Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.
About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.
I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?
I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.
If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."
If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.
Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.
Loner.
I'm a loner.
I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.
For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.
Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.
Loneliness.
I'm lonely.
I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.
Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.
I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.
I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.
I don't understand.
So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.
And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.
