How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

Exact Replica

There are times when I can write something that explains exactly how I feel, without knowing how I feel or what I'm going to write. That happened today. It's short, but to me it's an exact replica of how I am.

Fake smiles.

Forced laughter.

Never reasoning out my life disaster.

Easy tears.

Silent screams.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Infidelity: Physical and Emotional

There's a blog that I read daily. I like his style, I like his honesty. I didn't even know who the hell he was, I'd never heard of him before but I was introduced by him by a tweet from one of my Twitter friends. And I became hooked.

Granted, I don't share some of his beliefs one certain things, people, music, places etc. But he's talented at getting his point through. His name is Shane Powers. If you'd like to read his blog here's the link http://www.shanepowers.com/

One of his resent posts got me thinking about what I believe on the subject. Cheating. Here's his thoughts on it and some interesting comment's by his readers. http://www.shanepowers.com/2010/02/cheating.html I highly recommend reading it.

I posted a comment of my own and instead of rewriting it, I'll just copy and paste for you my exact words.

"I believe that cheating shouldn't happen either way. If you want to get physical without emotion- One night stand, but not while you're already in a relationship that includes sex and emotion, not even when it's just a sexual fling with one person that will be for a short period of time.

If your in a relationship, but it's too early for sex for one parter and not the other- WAIT for the sex, don't go looking for a one night stand that'll have your head filled with your one night stand partner while you're with the person your in a relationship.

I believe being in a relationship should include it all, emotion, sex, communication, etc.

I am, by no means, traditional. I believe in getting pleasure when you can but being cautious about it, as much as you possibly can. I don't mean one night stand every night, that's just stupid and eventually you're appetite and stamina and time for sex is going to suck. It's always more pleasurable to have sex when your hot and anticipating after waiting for awhile.

If your not into commitment, don't go into a relationship with a person who is, only to emotionally abuse them- Because that is what that is. Find someone who wants a short fling as much as you do.

I could write more, but I'd rather not make a whole blog about it in a bloody comment.

Much Peace and Magic,

Amber ♥"

As you can see I wrote quite a bit on the subject already. But there is something that I did not touch on. "Emotional infidelity." I do not believe in such a thing. Maybe that's because I already don't show my emotions or express them very often in any manner. I don't believe in expressing emotions only to have them used against you, I've had that happen. And even before it happened I didn't express my emotions anyways.

If you're an emotional person and you get hurt when your romantic and/or sexual partner expressed their emotions to anyone but you- I think it's ridiculous. Now I can understand being hurt about it when your married or engaged to be married. But when it's just a fling, long relationship (up to a year), or a friendship, it's absolute rubbish to me if you get hurt.

I am not, and read this clearly, calling anyone who does get hurt when this happens, an emotional idiot with no right to get hurt. I am simply not that kind of person, so far. Everyone is different. I am simply saying that I think it's wrong to feel hurt when your not sure if your relationship is going to last. Emotion is a highly personal and intimate idea. And sharing them can leave you vulnerable and leaving yourself vulnerable to a single person is something I view as compromising and confusing.

Unless it's with someone you trust 100% which to me, is absolutely amazing. Unless it's family or a friend that you've known long enough to know you can trust them 100%. I have a couple of those kinds of friends. And still, I don't nearly express my emotions to them, as much as I probably should.

These are my opinions. I'd love to hear yours.

Three Days; A New Discovery

Three days.

Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.

About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.

I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?

I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.

If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."

If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.

Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.

Loner.

I'm a loner.

I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.

For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.

Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.

Loneliness.

I'm lonely.

I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.

Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.

I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.

I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.

I don't understand.

So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.

And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.