I Am Disgusted With Myself

Disgusted. That's one word I very rarely use, and I've never associated it with myself. But today....Ah today I have and am. I am disgusted with myself and very disappointed in myself.

I went to my first Doctors appointment today, just to meet my Doctor and give her my medical history. But they, of course, but you on one of those bloody weight scales that I'm sure EVERYONE hates unless it's positive numbers. My number was not, however, positive.

I weigh 184 damn pounds. And I'm outraged, disappointed and disgusted. I've never been so big before. I was 140 or so pounds in October last year and to know that I gained that much weight in 3 months is outrageous and terrible for myself.

Now I'm not saying that I look down on those who are my weight or bigger, because I don't. I just don't approve and believe that they should try to limit their food intake and try to loose some of those pounds because it's not healthy at all to be so big.

But now, it's my turn. For the past few years I've been around 140-160 pounds, on and off. Now it's 184 and I can't stand it. I feel unhealthy, unattractive and disgusting. I don't want to be 110 pounds or even 120, though I'm sure that would be awesome. 130 is ideal for my age. I'm tall so I'm sure I'd look good with that amount of weight and still have some lovely curves.

To reach said ideal weight and goal I'd have to lose 50 pounds. I can to that in 5 months. Can't I? To do this I have to cut out meat, candy, soda, ice creams (though I don't eat it anyway so no problem there,) chocolate (no problem with milk chocolate but dark chocolate I do have a problem with,) cereal, and any other foods/drinks/snacks that make you gain weight as you eat them.

I don't eat chips so I have no problem. The meat is going to be hard because I love meat on my pizza. Soda isn't a problem since I haven't been drinking much of it lately anyways, though I will splurge on root beer. And I use Sierra Mist for my virgin mimosa's but my Nan said Sierra Mist is okay to have since I use so little of it.

Candy won't be a problem since my Nan buys the most nasty candy around, let's hoe that doesn't change! Ice cream is no problem at all because I very rarely eat it. Dark chocolate however, will be a challenge. :( Cereal will be hard as well since I love it, especially Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, which is weird since I hate peanut butter with a passion.

Imagine me sighing right now. And then imagine me punching walls everyday without Dark Chocolate. Although I've read that a little Dark Chocolate everyday, but not too much, it actually beneficial for you so I might be covered there. :)

My Nan is going on a diet with me though, so it might help. She's a sweets freak too so who knows? For me it's salads, Lean Cuisine meals, fruits, juices and walking up and down the stairs 10 times fast each morning, afternoon and night. Oh and LOTS of water.

If any of you have any tips on losing weight, tell me. I will greatly appreciate it.

Oh and since I'm on the subject of changes, bodily, that is. I should tell you that I got a new acne kit. Well my Nan got it for me. I've had bad acne since the 7th grade and it's just getting worse. I was going to order Proactive but my Nan went into the mall and found an actual Avon store, how cool is that? Well we saw an acne system and the store had a deal. Buy one whole kit for $34.00 and get a travel kit, free. So since the travel kit is smaller, I'm trying that and will see if it works in a week, as guaranteed and if not we'll take it back and get Nan's money back. If it works-FINALLY!

So that's my list of bodily changes, let's hope they both become changed soon.

Keep A Weather Eye On The Horizon

My last post of 2009. And I came to my keyboard knowing what I wanted to write about. Change. The word and idea that some dread and that some love. For me, it's a bit of both. My reality of change is going to be big, for me. Some people might be like- "Oh that's not such a bad change," or "Some people have bigger changes, yours is just a little one compared to other changes." Well no matter what people think. 2010 might prove to test me. So here it is...

If you've read my other posts you know that I'm seventeen and currently living with my Mom and all that stuff that I already said before that I won't say again because I don't need to. (And if you're absolutely clueless read my other posts to get the clue.) Well, on January 9th I'm flying out of state and will not be back for two months, three at most. I'm moving in with my Nanny, whom I refer to as Nan at times. No, she's not a hired caregiver. She's my Grandmother.

Anyways. I'm moving with her for a few months because she has insurance on me and my Mom doesn't. If you're wondering why, it's because the govern-damn them-ment says that my Mom makes too much on unemployment for Access to put me on insurance. So they won't put me on, but they put my Mom on. And I'm terribly grateful they put her on insurance because if they had put me on and not her, she'd be screwed, where as I have another alternative. My Nan.

Because I'm going to live with my Nan for awhile she can file for insurance for me, I can't remember what place she went to to file but I got approved for insurance. The reason my Mom and Nan decided to let me move with my Nan is because I need lots of work done that would take a lot more time and cost one hell of a lot of money that my Mom just doesn't have.

So this alternative will be easier for my Mom. Now, my Nan is an amazing person. She never sits down, she's always cleaning something, she always doing something, she spoils her grandchildren, speaks her mind and doesn't give a damn if someone thinks wrong of her. I absolutely adore her. Luckily, she isn't a meddling grandmother who wishes to see her whole family married.

I fly out to her place, in Oregon, on January 9 in the morning. I'm terribly excited to fly again seeing as I absolutely adore flying. The list of appointments I'm going to have will probably be the longest list I've seen in my seventeen years. I'm very nervous about it because I really, really, really, really, really don't like doctors and dentists. And if you doubt that I don't like them that much I can happily add more really's.

Eye appointments, blood work, regular health check-ups, maybe some scans, and the worst for me...... Dental work. Eeeeek! I'd rather have a hundred needles in my body than have some sadistic person play with needles, sharp objects and tools in my mouth. But it has to be done because I still have most of my baby teeth. Geez, I still have a cap on my tooth from when I was three years old! So a lot has to be pulled. We'll have to see what the bloody dentist says.

But I'd rather have all of that done than the one thing that my Mom keeps telling me that my Nan and Uncle are going to teach me..........Driving. I'd rather get one tooth pulled every day than to learn to drive. That's how deep my fear goes of driving. So if what my Mom says is true I might be forced to drive because I still haven't told my Mom and Nan about why I fear driving so much. And even if I did they'd probably still force me.

Changes? Yes, those indeed are some big changes. Here's another one- Being away from my Mom and other members of my family who live around me for a few months. I love my family, I'd be a madhouse without them and most likely I'd be depressed. So that's a big change for me because I've never gone so long without seeing them and being around them. Well, except when my Aunt Staci and brother Chris lived in Texas, but then again I didn't know Chris was my brother and we all weren't so close as we are now.

Being away from my Mom will be really hard for me. The longest I've been away from her is two weeks. She may not understand me and some of the things I do and say and think but I love her. She's been my support since the day I was born and the best Mom a child could ever have. Even when she doesn't have money she always tries to find a way to make me and my brother, Sammy, happy and give us a fun time. So it'll definitely be a huge- here's the C word again- Change.

But perhaps the biggest of them all...Starting a New Year without my Dad. 2009 will always be the most happiest and dreadful year of my life. Because I both found and lost my Dad in the same year. I haven't yet written a post regarding the full story with my Dad, and I won't right now and perhaps for awhile because the grief and hurt and anger is still raw. But it will always be hard and raw and challenging because there was so much we planned. And now, so much we lost.

And now I've got to stop writing about him because I'm already crying.

*Five Minutes Later*

I have to admit I needed areal quick break to gather my thoughts. And yes, I figured I'd better put put the "Five Minutes Later" because if I hadn't and read this I'd probably think it was a real quick, rude change of pace and subject.

Anyways, it'll be an interesting few months for me to be sure. Maybe I should make a New Years Resolution that I'll write more in my blog everyday. Seeing has I don't often enough. I think I'll write another tonight before it strikes midnight.

So do as my title says my friend! And have a most Happy New Year.