How A Website Changed My Life & Why 13 is My Lucky Number and Day

Four years ago on February, Friday the 13th, 2009 I went with my friend and his mom to go see the new Friday the 13th movie....Go figure right? After the movie, which was awesome by the way, we went back to his house and I asked to use his computer to check my e-mail since I didn't have internet at home. He said yes and I went online to my e-mail account and the first two things I saw were from a site called Reunion.com (now called Mylife.com) , a site which I created a membership to when I was 13; I was 16 by this time. The e-mail's said "Charles Ellis has sent you a message." I quickly went to my account and logged in and sure enough there were two messages from someone by that name.

I read the first one and it basically said hello, he told me his name, where he lived and then said he was looking for his daughter who had the same name and description as my profile stated. I didn't respond to that because I wanted to read the second one before I replied. The second one basically said the same as the first message but he added that he'd really like to talk with me to see if I was his long lost daughter, because he honestly felt that I was.

I automatically replied by asking all sorts of questions that only he and my mom would know, such as how they met, what my birthday was, my middle name, why my mom and him never saw each other again, etc. After I sent the message my friend, who was sitting by me the whole time, said I should go to his profile. So I did.

I cried for the first time in 3 years because his profile's main feature consisted of two photos. One of him and his wife, and the second was my reason for crying. It was the same picture that I had on my nightstand of me at age 3. I cried for about ten minutes straigh before I got another message. It was from him and I read it...He answered every single question correctly. I replied back saying that I was his Amber, I was his daughter, that he, the man I'd been looking for since I was 13, was my dad.

He sent me a message with his phone number and his e-mail address and I e-mailed him first, nervous over hearing his voice. And I hadn't even told my mom yet so I wanted her to know, but she was at work. In the meantime, we exchanged several e-mails that day. I told my mom when she got home and she said she wanted to talk to him first before I did, to clear some more personal details up- that I won't be putting up on here.

They talked for awhile and then she came into my room, smiling, and held my phone out to me. I got to hear the sound of my dad's voice for the first time...We'd met when I was 3 years old but I couldn't remember those early memories so that was technically the first time I heard his voice.

I found out that I had a brother and an aunt and four cousins. I also found out that my grand-parents died a few years prior....It makes me want to cry every time I think about them because I've never met them and I never will...But I also found out that, like my mom, his birthday was the 13th of December, but my mom's is in January. Weird, eh? So many 13's!

We talked everyday, on the phone and through texts and e-mails. At that time I had dropped out of school because I hated the high school the tiny town I lived in had. I was studying for my GED and I remember my dad always telling me he knew I could pass it and that I was going to be able to do anything that I wanted. He knew I wanted to be a author and an FBI Agent to be a "Profiler" but he also knew that I really wanted to be an actress and act in TV shows and movies. I wanted to be able to portray human behaviors that were unlike my own behaviors and traits and capture people in the story.

Unfortunately he lived in Washington state and I lived in Arizona. But we planned on going to Disneyland, my mom, my brothers, him and myself, that is. And to the San Diego Zoo, Universal Studios and all sorts of other places. We planned so much!

But on October 26th 2009 my mom got a call from my aunt Maryann. My mom told me it was her before she answered and I watched my mom's face as she was listening. Before she even answered the phone I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my gut. You know that gut-wrenching feeling that makes it hard to breathe so you just stop breathing for awhile? That was what I felt as soon as my mom told me it was Maryann...And I hadn't heard from my dad that day...After my mom answered she didn't talk she just listened and her face changed from curiosity to devastation and I knew. I knew.

I sat on the couch just watching her face, tears in my eyes that wouldn't drop yet. And when my mom hung up and walked to the couch and knelt in front of me and took my hand she said, "I'm so sorry Amber. Your dad passed away. I'm so sorry."

Broken. That was..is...the only word to define what I was in that moment. The tears fell and flowed and they didn't stop. My eyes burned, my head pounded, my throat was tight and dry and it felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember my mom holding me and I felt her own tears on my shoulder. It felt like I had the whole world's supply of tears and that the dam holding them away had broken.

I remember calling my best friend and sobbing out to her that my dad was dead. I remember rocking back and forth and trying to talk to her and not being able to because it felt like I had this huge baseball in my throat that clogged my airways.

I don't remember hanging the phone up or how or when my hysteria ended. But I remember hearing my mom saying that my aunt was flying to Washington the next day and said that she'd fly to Arizona first, if I wanted to fly to Washington with her. I still couldn't talk so I just nodded my head yes, even though it was pounding like my heart was in my skull instead of my chest.

We'd never met in person, my dad and I. We only knew each other through calls and texts and e-mails in eight months. But going to Washington helped me to know him more because I was surrounded by the people that got to be with him daily. And I was envious of course. I had a hard time being in his house, surrounded by all his things. I remember seeing that same picture of me on his wall. That meant so much to me because his wife, evil witch that she was, said that no matter where they moved to it was one of the first things to go up.

She let me have his two favorite shirts, his long sleeve Metallica shirt that he had worn the most and a short sleeved Ozzy Osborne shirt that he loved. I wear them both all the time. I got all his knives and daggers because we both had discovered that we loved swords, knives and daggers, and dragons...I'm going to get a tattoo on my back, in between my shoulder blades of a sword down my spine, with one dragon wrapped around it, with its head laying on the hilt of the sword, and another dragon wrapped around the sword, upside down, a claw grabbing the the blade. I'm still working out the color details, but they will be medieval dragons.

I have to save a lot of money for it though as it'll have a lot of detailed work.

Anyways, 13 is and always will be my lucky number and day. I always look forward to Friday the 13th when happiness and sadness...It was always a joke with my dad and I about how we found each other on that day. Any time it's the 13th I have a good day because I know my dad would want me to laugh about it and still love it as much as we both did when he was alive.

As for that website, Reunion.com (Mylife.com)....I wish I could say thank you to whoever invented it. It changed my life forever, and I will always be grateful for the time my dad and I did get.

But that's my story about how a website changed my life and behind why 13 is my lucky number and day. At least, most of the story. Wink.

So for those of you looking for someone, or trying to reach a goal or dream....Never give up. I looked for three years and finally reached my dream of finding my dad and getting to know him. No goal is unreachable, and I believe no dream is unreachable either.

I'm So Sick Of People

I am so sick of people and their attitudes and their "I'm better than you" shit. I'm sick of people blaming others for everything when everything is half their fault too. I'm sick of a family that fights when they say the love each other. I'm sick of siblings who act as if the shit they did wrong isn't their fault. I'm sick of people telling me that I need to get over my goddamn fear of driving and just do it like a regular person. I'm so sick of people telling me I need to get out and find a boyfriend and get some more friends. I'm so sick of seeing heartbreak, sadness, anger, jealousy and careless, self-righteousness, selfish assholes who have idea what it is like to be alone, hungry, depressed, homeless, confused and scared.

I'm so sick of saying "I'm sick" because it's so true and I find that right now I see nothgin but anger and feel nothing but disappointment in the human race because they are such greedy, selfish bastards. We as a race have no concept anymore of what being "lucky" as fucking hell is anymore because you know what, we are lucky.

Yeah we go through shit through life and we go through some happy and sad and hard times but we CAN get through it and when we don't we blame it on other people instead of shutting the fuck up and taking a few hours to think about what we can do and accomplish by getting up and taking a stand for not only ourselves but OTHERS too.

I understand I'm ranting and I understand that later on I'll most likely take something for granted and then I'll straighten up and say to myself  "People have worse. You have a roof, a family, water and food."
Yeah sometimes it's not enough and sometimes we become lonely and some want it that ways and others don't. And yeah, sometimes when our "friends" ditch and ignore us it's not our fault, it's completely theirs. Sometimes families fight and get sick of each other, but to completely alienate them is bullshit. Sometimes our brothers can be selfish jerks who are arrogant and think only of themselves and we can't do anything to change that but hope that they change in the long run and still love them....And yeah that applies to sisters too.

But we as humans don't understand the concept of friends and family and love and trust, loyalty and generosity anymore. And it's sad, it's bullshit because once upon a time that is what this land (America) was founded on. Our fore fathers were true people with emotions, ideas, motivation, backbone, loyalty, generosity, honesty and so much more and what they built us humans today have destroyed with our greed, dishonestly, misdirected loyalties, and selfish ways.

Keep A Weather Eye On The Horizon

My last post of 2009. And I came to my keyboard knowing what I wanted to write about. Change. The word and idea that some dread and that some love. For me, it's a bit of both. My reality of change is going to be big, for me. Some people might be like- "Oh that's not such a bad change," or "Some people have bigger changes, yours is just a little one compared to other changes." Well no matter what people think. 2010 might prove to test me. So here it is...

If you've read my other posts you know that I'm seventeen and currently living with my Mom and all that stuff that I already said before that I won't say again because I don't need to. (And if you're absolutely clueless read my other posts to get the clue.) Well, on January 9th I'm flying out of state and will not be back for two months, three at most. I'm moving in with my Nanny, whom I refer to as Nan at times. No, she's not a hired caregiver. She's my Grandmother.

Anyways. I'm moving with her for a few months because she has insurance on me and my Mom doesn't. If you're wondering why, it's because the govern-damn them-ment says that my Mom makes too much on unemployment for Access to put me on insurance. So they won't put me on, but they put my Mom on. And I'm terribly grateful they put her on insurance because if they had put me on and not her, she'd be screwed, where as I have another alternative. My Nan.

Because I'm going to live with my Nan for awhile she can file for insurance for me, I can't remember what place she went to to file but I got approved for insurance. The reason my Mom and Nan decided to let me move with my Nan is because I need lots of work done that would take a lot more time and cost one hell of a lot of money that my Mom just doesn't have.

So this alternative will be easier for my Mom. Now, my Nan is an amazing person. She never sits down, she's always cleaning something, she always doing something, she spoils her grandchildren, speaks her mind and doesn't give a damn if someone thinks wrong of her. I absolutely adore her. Luckily, she isn't a meddling grandmother who wishes to see her whole family married.

I fly out to her place, in Oregon, on January 9 in the morning. I'm terribly excited to fly again seeing as I absolutely adore flying. The list of appointments I'm going to have will probably be the longest list I've seen in my seventeen years. I'm very nervous about it because I really, really, really, really, really don't like doctors and dentists. And if you doubt that I don't like them that much I can happily add more really's.

Eye appointments, blood work, regular health check-ups, maybe some scans, and the worst for me...... Dental work. Eeeeek! I'd rather have a hundred needles in my body than have some sadistic person play with needles, sharp objects and tools in my mouth. But it has to be done because I still have most of my baby teeth. Geez, I still have a cap on my tooth from when I was three years old! So a lot has to be pulled. We'll have to see what the bloody dentist says.

But I'd rather have all of that done than the one thing that my Mom keeps telling me that my Nan and Uncle are going to teach me..........Driving. I'd rather get one tooth pulled every day than to learn to drive. That's how deep my fear goes of driving. So if what my Mom says is true I might be forced to drive because I still haven't told my Mom and Nan about why I fear driving so much. And even if I did they'd probably still force me.

Changes? Yes, those indeed are some big changes. Here's another one- Being away from my Mom and other members of my family who live around me for a few months. I love my family, I'd be a madhouse without them and most likely I'd be depressed. So that's a big change for me because I've never gone so long without seeing them and being around them. Well, except when my Aunt Staci and brother Chris lived in Texas, but then again I didn't know Chris was my brother and we all weren't so close as we are now.

Being away from my Mom will be really hard for me. The longest I've been away from her is two weeks. She may not understand me and some of the things I do and say and think but I love her. She's been my support since the day I was born and the best Mom a child could ever have. Even when she doesn't have money she always tries to find a way to make me and my brother, Sammy, happy and give us a fun time. So it'll definitely be a huge- here's the C word again- Change.

But perhaps the biggest of them all...Starting a New Year without my Dad. 2009 will always be the most happiest and dreadful year of my life. Because I both found and lost my Dad in the same year. I haven't yet written a post regarding the full story with my Dad, and I won't right now and perhaps for awhile because the grief and hurt and anger is still raw. But it will always be hard and raw and challenging because there was so much we planned. And now, so much we lost.

And now I've got to stop writing about him because I'm already crying.

*Five Minutes Later*

I have to admit I needed areal quick break to gather my thoughts. And yes, I figured I'd better put put the "Five Minutes Later" because if I hadn't and read this I'd probably think it was a real quick, rude change of pace and subject.

Anyways, it'll be an interesting few months for me to be sure. Maybe I should make a New Years Resolution that I'll write more in my blog everyday. Seeing has I don't often enough. I think I'll write another tonight before it strikes midnight.

So do as my title says my friend! And have a most Happy New Year.

Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself

Years. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds....They all pass by so fast sometimes. It's hard to catch up to life. And when I do, I don't ride life. I let it ride me. For weeks I've been pondering about how to write this post, and about how I would handle officially posting it. Because this blog post of mine won't be like my others. This one will not be censored by anything. It will not be about anything but myself, how I feel, what I fear, who I am....nothing but me. And if that interests you, then I'm surprised. If not, you can imagine I'm not surprised.

On Twitter I am known as Gypsyladyamber, just as I am here. On Twitter people say I am confident, funny, outgoing, and positive with a zest for life. They also think I'm older than I am apparently. Which is a a very good compliment considering a lot of people my age seems complete dunderheads. And some think I'm British. I've ignored that. I figured the mystery of not knowing my age, or what Nationality I am, would keep my followers interested because I'm already not interesting.

In order for me to be completely truthful in this post I do have to let the mystery fade and brake. So here it is. I am 17 years old, I live in America and am not British. My name is Amber and I live with my mother. My father just died in October, I only just started to know him because I only just found him in Febuary of 2009 and I didn't even get to meet him. We only got to talk by e-mails and phone. I had a step-father to the age of 14 and unfortunatly he is still in my life and I fear, will always be in my life. I have no job and I am studying for my GED that i hope to take sometime next year when I feel I'm ready. And while I consider myself to be a Gypsy I do not consider myself any of the things that my Twitter followers and Twitter friends consider me. Not even what my own family and friends consider me.

I am weak. I am a coward. I am fearful. I am a lie within myself. I try so hard to portray a confident young female who knows where she is going and knows what she wants. But I am not. But apparently I can fool people.

And I'm scared. I'm scared down to my bones because I am scared of things that it seems no one else around me is afraid of. For instance, I am afraid to drive. I'm fine in a car if someone else is driving but the idea of myself being behind the wheel and controlling it is damn frightening to me. I don't believe I'd be a good and well-rounded driver. I don't think I can handle it.

And even when someone else is driving I get these scenarios in my head of what could happen, and it's always more than one scenario. So the idea of being behind the wheel as my mind goes through those scenarios detail by agonizing and scary detail is torture and terrifying for me. I've driven my mom's old car before, three times and each time my heart varied between stopping and thumping at a speed that's probably not healthy. That was months ago. I haven't gotten behind the wheel after that, and each time my mom asks, I say no.

I had a job at K-Mart last year. I lasted 3 months and loved what I did most of the time. Maybe that's because I worked in the shoe department and that's a complete girl thing. At the time K-Mart wasn't in control of the shoe department, it was another company that just signed a lease with K-Mart to sell under their store name. So I didn't have to use a cash register, which relieved me more than you can imagine. I didn't have to do anything but organize the shoes, which trust me, wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I had to help customers find the shoe they wanted, the size and such. And I'm pretty horrible with communication but it helped that problem a bit, not that it does much good for me now cause I'm back into my old distant ways.

I lost my job on the last day of my, what they called, 3 month training. Because after 3 months you have to file 3 warnings in order to be fired, if you've been working for less than 3 months than you can get fired off the spot, no warning required. That's what happened to me. My supervisor told her boss that I wasn't fast enough with my job, that I didn't work and that she caught me with my cell phone out once. The first reason was only partially true, I had my slow days and had my fast. The second wasn't true at all because I'd forget to take my lunch until my shift was almost over already. The third reason was true because that one time was an emergency.

I almost pointed out to my supervisor that she had her cell phone out twice in front of me, once to call her daughter and tell her a song that she loved was on when we weren't on break. And the second to text someone. I didn't point it out though, I was too crushed to speak. My mother spoke for me because she too worked at K-Mart at the time.

Losing my job just made me feel like a failure, it still does because I enjoyed what I did because it was perfect for me. I hate cash registers because I know that if I use one I'll screw up the entire purchase of a customer each time and they seem to complex to figure out for me. I'm not saying I'm stupid because I know I'm not. Deep down I know I'm not. But I feel like I am sometimes because I do know that I couldn't work a cash register correctly, when thousands of people my age can. So I haven't gotten a job because I'm afraid to fail, which in turn makes me already a failure. Even I know that because it's only logical. Yet I can't find the strength to go out there and try, I can't find the courage.

I am a coward. I am a failure. I am weak. And I am scared. I'm talentless, dreamless, hopeless....I wish I could add fearless to that less list but I can not. I'm sitting here already scared because I'm finally putting these words down on my screen. I'm finally making the words that were only thoughts before official. And it scares me to my core.

I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I can go with my life. It seems like such a waste, my life. But I stay for several reasons. My mother, my brothers, my family, my new found family, my friends and to endure every second of my life because I believe I should.

I probably sound whiny. Maybe I am. But I promised nothing but absolute truth in this post. And absolute truth is what my readers will get from now on. So continue to read if you like, if you want to read the ramblings and thoughts and opinions of a talentless failure that calls herself a Gypsy Lady.

"The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths." ~William James

"Truth is no Doctoresse, she takes no degrees at Paris or Oxford... but oftentimes to such an one as myself, an Idiota or common person, no great things, melancholizing in woods where waters are, quiet places by rivers, fountains, whereas the silly man expecting no such matter, thinketh only how best to delectate and refresh his mynde continually with Natura her pleasaunt scenes, woods, water-falls, or Art her statelie gardens, parks, terraces, Belvideres, on a sudden the goddesse herself Truth has appeared, with a shyning lyghte, and a sparklyng countenance, so as yee may not be able lightly to resist her." ~Charles Lamb

Hello Satan's Cellular- GO CHARGERS!

November 22, 2009


So I'm sitting down at the family table with my computer, it's 11 am and I woke up just 30 minutes ago and my big brother has on One Tree Hill....What the hell? All I'm thinking is how he's such a girl! Screams like one too- No joke. And he has to put on lotion every something hours, he puts more on than I do! Nuts. Just nuts. Anyways I'd thought I start off with that.

I'm leaving today to go back to the house, unfortunately. I call it the house, not home. It's not home to me. Home is somewhere you love, somewhere you can find peace. I just sleep, eat and have fun there. California, Italy, Ireland, Washington....those could be a good candidate for what I call my home. Arizona.....Not so much. It's dry, it's ugly but at lease I have some of my family and friends here. Well most of my friends. Now don't get me wrong. I LOVE my house (except for the occasional disgusting, abomination of a bug) because it's where I feel comfortable enough to sleep and break down. (Oh and my big brother just peaked at my blog and saw what I wrote about him. Luckily he can laugh at himself. One of the things I love most about him.) Anyways, I'm not sure I'll find that place that I love soon. It takes time I guess.

I've told some of my readers that I haven't had any real inspiration for writing lately and it's still true.So if you're wondering why this post is so "blah" that's the reason. I'm just writing whatever I can. Oh, today the a Chargers game is FINALLY televised here! I am excited about that. It's against the Broncos too. So it's will be a damn great game. I love Chargers, my big team. I'm new at this fan and football thing. Only started last season. I'm still learning but I do know most of the basics. I love the Chargers because of their teamwork and sportsmanship (though they DO have their moments) and the players seem dedicated enough. They're just a really great team that do their best and try to get better with each game. And with four straight wins in a row, it seems they are bettering themselves.

I just can't wait for this game, even if I feel like I can't breathe. I've had to take my inhaler twice since Friday....I haven't done that in YEARS! I don't know what's wrong because every time I stay at my Aunt and Uncles house I'm always okay and don't really have to take it unless my allergies are up, but it's usually only once. I'm allergic to cats, they have one. Thing is, before this week I've always held Goose, the cat, up close and washed my hands and arms afterward and I'm always FINE! I don't and haven't had to take my inhaler. So it can't be the cat causing this breathing problem. I guess I'm just going to have to take Airborne (nasty, disgusting, unpleasant crap) just in case, because my Mom's worried the H1N1 striking me because I'm under 25. So wish me well.

Well, I'm glad I kept my promise of writing some blog posts. I've been fretting the last few days cause I've been neglecting my blog and Twitter. I just find I haven't any energy. It sucks but I'm sure once I get permanent Internet at the house I'll tweet and blog more often. And once I get a new phone too. There's the buy one get one free deal at Sprint for the Blackberry Curves and I seriously want one!!!! My cell phone is possessed, no joke. It's an LG Rumor and it's getting on the Internet when I hit nothing and goes straight to my homepage, it shuts off in the middle of texting or when I'm having a conversation, it freezes when I'm on the internet or in the middle of a text. Hello Satan's Cellular! So a new phone is defiantly in order.


Well I have to get up off my lazy writing butt and get ready to go and drop my little brother at his house and then head home for the CHARGERS GAME! Woooo! GO CHARGERS and to my fellow Chargers family- LET'S ROCK!

Fire In The Family

November 19, 2009



I'm sitting here thinking- What the hell do I write? I've had no inspiration to write in my blog lately. Except for the Twilight rant yesterday. Things have just been a blur the last few weeks. I'm going to my Aunt and Uncle's house tomorrow and can't wait. My Uncle Larry isn't exactly legal Uncle just yet, he will be once he marries my Aunt but I've known him since the 3rd grade, longer than my whole family has known him. So he's like an Uncle. My brother lives with my Aunt and Uncle because he's legally my Aunt's son but my Mom's biological son. My Aunt adopted him when he was little because my Mom needed help. It was weird when I first found out at 14 years old but it's worked out. He still calls my Aunt his Mom and my Mom his Aunt. People think it's weird. My best friend thinks I have a "Dr. Phil" life because of everything that happens t me. I just call it life's huge surprises.

Anyways, I love my Uncle Larry. He's one of the only people I'd trust with my life. Though I guess it helps that he's a Firefighter. I think he's nuts because he decided that's what he wants to do because I am terrified of fire. But he likes it as far as I can tell.

I think I've been afraid of fire since a house I'd lived in with my Mom and Ex step dad had caught on fire, somehow the fireplace did it. I'm not sure of the details. But I'm defiantly afraid of it. When I went to Universal Studios, we went to the Backdraft show. Now the end of the show was cruel for me because the whole thing caught fire, of course it as restrained (however they did that miracle) and it couldn't cause any damage or get out of control. But then I was on the last level and that level FELL! It didn't fall all the way down of course but enough to make me jump even when frozen with fear, teeth grinding, eyes wide and heart stopped. Not a good experience for me. And not one I'm likely to repeat. If you're over 60 and have high blood pressure or heart problems and you are terrified of fire like I am- I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT! If you're not however, you might find it interesting.

Funny how thoughts travel huh? From sitting, to my Uncle Larry, to fire, to Universal Studios. I love the brain. It's a complex little mystery of life that I don't think science can explain most the time. Something or someone genius knew what s/he was doing when s/he made us Humans.