How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

For Better or For Worse?

Who knew that in a week your life could shift and mold into something else?

I did. Only I didn't dare hope for this. I didn't dare dream. I'm moving back to my hometown, the place I loved and hated the most. I love it because my family and friends are there, but I hate it because my ex-step dad is there. Now, I'm moving back. Well my mom is moving back now as I type, so that means when I fly back home from Oregon I'll be going to a new home. And I'm so ecstatic.


To make these even better, my little brother is moving in with my Mom and I and getting out of my ex-step dad's place. Now, I know it's possible I'll see him every now and then but I can handle that. I got my stun gun....Nah, although I do, I mean that I can emotionally and mentally handle that because I know that things are coming together like this for a reason.


And what I mean by that is....I'm going back to school! It's different than regular high school, it's a program where I'll be able to get all the credits I need in order to graduate in about a year and a half! Oh and I don't have to go in until 10 am. How awesome is that? But I'm scared, nervous and excited. I'm not sure why I feel all that. But I just feel like this is the right thing to do.

I don't know exactly what this program entails but I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to change and become a better person. I know this won't be easy for me but I know I can do it. I can just feel it you know? It's that gut feeling. As illogical that is I can feel the power of it at full force.


Besides that, I'm hoping that I can lose 30 pounds before August. That way when I go back to school I feel confident about myself a bit more. And then maybe in two months I can lose 20 pounds. I'll have money to go to the gym for a few months so that could help and I want to take self-defense classes.


So basically I have some high goals for myself. But I'm going to need the help and support of gym family and friends. I can't do this alone. I'm going to want to give up, I'm going to bitch and moan. But I can do it with some help. 


I am slowly believing in myself again.


So. "For Better" for sure.

Keep A Weather Eye On The Horizon

My last post of 2009. And I came to my keyboard knowing what I wanted to write about. Change. The word and idea that some dread and that some love. For me, it's a bit of both. My reality of change is going to be big, for me. Some people might be like- "Oh that's not such a bad change," or "Some people have bigger changes, yours is just a little one compared to other changes." Well no matter what people think. 2010 might prove to test me. So here it is...

If you've read my other posts you know that I'm seventeen and currently living with my Mom and all that stuff that I already said before that I won't say again because I don't need to. (And if you're absolutely clueless read my other posts to get the clue.) Well, on January 9th I'm flying out of state and will not be back for two months, three at most. I'm moving in with my Nanny, whom I refer to as Nan at times. No, she's not a hired caregiver. She's my Grandmother.

Anyways. I'm moving with her for a few months because she has insurance on me and my Mom doesn't. If you're wondering why, it's because the govern-damn them-ment says that my Mom makes too much on unemployment for Access to put me on insurance. So they won't put me on, but they put my Mom on. And I'm terribly grateful they put her on insurance because if they had put me on and not her, she'd be screwed, where as I have another alternative. My Nan.

Because I'm going to live with my Nan for awhile she can file for insurance for me, I can't remember what place she went to to file but I got approved for insurance. The reason my Mom and Nan decided to let me move with my Nan is because I need lots of work done that would take a lot more time and cost one hell of a lot of money that my Mom just doesn't have.

So this alternative will be easier for my Mom. Now, my Nan is an amazing person. She never sits down, she's always cleaning something, she always doing something, she spoils her grandchildren, speaks her mind and doesn't give a damn if someone thinks wrong of her. I absolutely adore her. Luckily, she isn't a meddling grandmother who wishes to see her whole family married.

I fly out to her place, in Oregon, on January 9 in the morning. I'm terribly excited to fly again seeing as I absolutely adore flying. The list of appointments I'm going to have will probably be the longest list I've seen in my seventeen years. I'm very nervous about it because I really, really, really, really, really don't like doctors and dentists. And if you doubt that I don't like them that much I can happily add more really's.

Eye appointments, blood work, regular health check-ups, maybe some scans, and the worst for me...... Dental work. Eeeeek! I'd rather have a hundred needles in my body than have some sadistic person play with needles, sharp objects and tools in my mouth. But it has to be done because I still have most of my baby teeth. Geez, I still have a cap on my tooth from when I was three years old! So a lot has to be pulled. We'll have to see what the bloody dentist says.

But I'd rather have all of that done than the one thing that my Mom keeps telling me that my Nan and Uncle are going to teach me..........Driving. I'd rather get one tooth pulled every day than to learn to drive. That's how deep my fear goes of driving. So if what my Mom says is true I might be forced to drive because I still haven't told my Mom and Nan about why I fear driving so much. And even if I did they'd probably still force me.

Changes? Yes, those indeed are some big changes. Here's another one- Being away from my Mom and other members of my family who live around me for a few months. I love my family, I'd be a madhouse without them and most likely I'd be depressed. So that's a big change for me because I've never gone so long without seeing them and being around them. Well, except when my Aunt Staci and brother Chris lived in Texas, but then again I didn't know Chris was my brother and we all weren't so close as we are now.

Being away from my Mom will be really hard for me. The longest I've been away from her is two weeks. She may not understand me and some of the things I do and say and think but I love her. She's been my support since the day I was born and the best Mom a child could ever have. Even when she doesn't have money she always tries to find a way to make me and my brother, Sammy, happy and give us a fun time. So it'll definitely be a huge- here's the C word again- Change.

But perhaps the biggest of them all...Starting a New Year without my Dad. 2009 will always be the most happiest and dreadful year of my life. Because I both found and lost my Dad in the same year. I haven't yet written a post regarding the full story with my Dad, and I won't right now and perhaps for awhile because the grief and hurt and anger is still raw. But it will always be hard and raw and challenging because there was so much we planned. And now, so much we lost.

And now I've got to stop writing about him because I'm already crying.

*Five Minutes Later*

I have to admit I needed areal quick break to gather my thoughts. And yes, I figured I'd better put put the "Five Minutes Later" because if I hadn't and read this I'd probably think it was a real quick, rude change of pace and subject.

Anyways, it'll be an interesting few months for me to be sure. Maybe I should make a New Years Resolution that I'll write more in my blog everyday. Seeing has I don't often enough. I think I'll write another tonight before it strikes midnight.

So do as my title says my friend! And have a most Happy New Year.

Fire In The Family

November 19, 2009



I'm sitting here thinking- What the hell do I write? I've had no inspiration to write in my blog lately. Except for the Twilight rant yesterday. Things have just been a blur the last few weeks. I'm going to my Aunt and Uncle's house tomorrow and can't wait. My Uncle Larry isn't exactly legal Uncle just yet, he will be once he marries my Aunt but I've known him since the 3rd grade, longer than my whole family has known him. So he's like an Uncle. My brother lives with my Aunt and Uncle because he's legally my Aunt's son but my Mom's biological son. My Aunt adopted him when he was little because my Mom needed help. It was weird when I first found out at 14 years old but it's worked out. He still calls my Aunt his Mom and my Mom his Aunt. People think it's weird. My best friend thinks I have a "Dr. Phil" life because of everything that happens t me. I just call it life's huge surprises.

Anyways, I love my Uncle Larry. He's one of the only people I'd trust with my life. Though I guess it helps that he's a Firefighter. I think he's nuts because he decided that's what he wants to do because I am terrified of fire. But he likes it as far as I can tell.

I think I've been afraid of fire since a house I'd lived in with my Mom and Ex step dad had caught on fire, somehow the fireplace did it. I'm not sure of the details. But I'm defiantly afraid of it. When I went to Universal Studios, we went to the Backdraft show. Now the end of the show was cruel for me because the whole thing caught fire, of course it as restrained (however they did that miracle) and it couldn't cause any damage or get out of control. But then I was on the last level and that level FELL! It didn't fall all the way down of course but enough to make me jump even when frozen with fear, teeth grinding, eyes wide and heart stopped. Not a good experience for me. And not one I'm likely to repeat. If you're over 60 and have high blood pressure or heart problems and you are terrified of fire like I am- I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT! If you're not however, you might find it interesting.

Funny how thoughts travel huh? From sitting, to my Uncle Larry, to fire, to Universal Studios. I love the brain. It's a complex little mystery of life that I don't think science can explain most the time. Something or someone genius knew what s/he was doing when s/he made us Humans.

Here I Am

September 24, 2009

It's funny how I never thought I'd have myself a blog and yet...here I am. Maybe I never thought I'd have one because I wouldn't know what to write or because people would think I was boring or unintelligent or some other terrifying thing that I wouldn't like. But now I realize I'm not writing a blog for other people- I'm writing it for me. And if other people read it and follow or don't follow it- then so be it. If people read it and like it think I'm interesting- woohoo! And it people read it and think I'm an idiot- Get back to your own life. This is mine.

I wondered if I could write a blog, listing my thoughts and actions and daily events, letting people be free to read what my life entails. I think I can. Besides even if people do or don't read this new hobby of mine I can always go back in a year or more and see what the hell I was thinking about. We can't always remember our every thought or movement and such.

I don't think I'll update everyday. Or maybe even every other day or every two days. Maybe an update per week. Or two updates per week or three. Who the heck knows right? I don't. Maybe I'll start to fancy writing everyday. I do love to write. It soothes me at times, frustrates me at others, pisses me off to high hell when it's not going how I want it to but most of all I feel like I'm doing something right, something good and something enjoyable to me. I love it. I love the many feelings as I write, I love the twists of it, how you can make letters and sentences and paragraphs completely your own. I'm not the best writer I know but...You make writing your own. Maybe that's why I like it. Because when I write- It's mine. It's me. No one else's.

Writing. Acting. Music. Art. Film. I love all those things. I fancy myself a good writer so far- for 17 years of age and since I wrote about writing in the above paragraph I don't imagine I should here as well. Acting, well I guess I can be okay at that, I've never really been in a play, though I have done some scenes and was supposed to be in a play called Blythe Spirit as Madame Arcati, whom I picked the part of, since it was just a class play and not a school one. But we never got to rehearse much or anything because some of the students didn't want to do it and didn't feel like doing their lines and didn't think it was fun anymore and that it was boring. It really pissed me off and bummed me out that they dropped the class and that we couldn't do the play after all. I've done some monologues and in the 6th through 8th grade we had these magazines that had little plays in them, but we'd stay in our seats and just read them, but I hated it so I used my voice to act out my part of Ella from Ella Enchanted in 6th grade, of Violet in Series of Unfortunate Events in the 7th grade and Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice in the 8th grade. Loads of fun for me. But that's all the experience of acting for me.

Now granted I don't have the loveliest voice or have any musical instruments talents, but music I do love. Rock, Pop, Worldly, New Age, Orchestra, Classical, Jazz (Without lyrics though). And though I do like some Rap, Blues, Hip-Hop, and even rarely Country music, I don't follow those musical genres as much as I do the many others that I listed. But I do love music. Music that makes you want to get up and dance, Like Michael Jackson's music, may he rest in peace and people leave him and his family be. Music that makes you want to sit down a read a good book as you dimly hear the sweet music in the background, like Mozart or New Age music. Music that makes you want to sing along, like too many different artists that make you want to sing. Music that makes you wish you could play an instrument so that you could makes the same kind of music that as interesting affects on people, like Jazz and Blues. Music is an amazing and delightful pleasure that I will never tire of.

Now being the horrible artist that I am I can't claim to paint or draw and sculpt or anything and I won't pretend that I know professional artist names or pieces or even procedures, but I do appreciate it and love to examine and look at many forms of art. Though I will admit I do know a little Da Vinci and few other artist names. But I love to examine a piece and wonder why the artist made it, what they were thinking, feeling when they did. Had they made thought of someone or something that inspired them? Was it an out of the blue image that popped into their head? How had they felt after they had been done with that single piece of creation? So many questions, not many answers. But that's what life is sometimes life so the phrase "Art often imitates life," is used quite well in that aspect.

Watching films will always be something I'll do because I love everything about them. The making of it, the acting, the costumes, the machines used, the make-up, the people involved. I like criticizing and thinking about them. I like dreaming about them and thinking about what I would do differently if I'd been in the shoes of one of the characters. Everything. They fascinate me and some even make me go into awe. When I'm in a blue fog I'll watch a movie that makes me smile and laugh, the most frequent being Pirates of the Caribbean. When I'm in a red haze of anger I like to watch a movie that makes me forget the bad or stupid and makes me smile dreamily, like Pride and Prejudice. When I'm in a green eyed moment I like to watch a movie that will make me realize that life is short and that people have it worse, such as Stepmom or Titanic or something. There's so many wonderful and different, dreamy and satisfying, laughable and heart-warming, intriguing and mysterious things and feelings about movies. I could go on and on. Movies can do that to me.

If you are reading this and wondering- "Well she told us what she likes and why, what else can she have to say?" The answer is- Quite more. And if you are not wondering that and are thinking I'm boring- Then go back to your own life, as I said in the beginning, this is mine. And if you are smiling, then I'm so very glad that I could make a person smile today. Maybe it's not because of who I am but more of because you understand something of what I said on one of the subjects, then I am still very glad that you can smile and advise you to always find or do something that makes you smile.

Life is worth a smile.