Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself

Years. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds....They all pass by so fast sometimes. It's hard to catch up to life. And when I do, I don't ride life. I let it ride me. For weeks I've been pondering about how to write this post, and about how I would handle officially posting it. Because this blog post of mine won't be like my others. This one will not be censored by anything. It will not be about anything but myself, how I feel, what I fear, who I am....nothing but me. And if that interests you, then I'm surprised. If not, you can imagine I'm not surprised.

On Twitter I am known as Gypsyladyamber, just as I am here. On Twitter people say I am confident, funny, outgoing, and positive with a zest for life. They also think I'm older than I am apparently. Which is a a very good compliment considering a lot of people my age seems complete dunderheads. And some think I'm British. I've ignored that. I figured the mystery of not knowing my age, or what Nationality I am, would keep my followers interested because I'm already not interesting.

In order for me to be completely truthful in this post I do have to let the mystery fade and brake. So here it is. I am 17 years old, I live in America and am not British. My name is Amber and I live with my mother. My father just died in October, I only just started to know him because I only just found him in Febuary of 2009 and I didn't even get to meet him. We only got to talk by e-mails and phone. I had a step-father to the age of 14 and unfortunatly he is still in my life and I fear, will always be in my life. I have no job and I am studying for my GED that i hope to take sometime next year when I feel I'm ready. And while I consider myself to be a Gypsy I do not consider myself any of the things that my Twitter followers and Twitter friends consider me. Not even what my own family and friends consider me.

I am weak. I am a coward. I am fearful. I am a lie within myself. I try so hard to portray a confident young female who knows where she is going and knows what she wants. But I am not. But apparently I can fool people.

And I'm scared. I'm scared down to my bones because I am scared of things that it seems no one else around me is afraid of. For instance, I am afraid to drive. I'm fine in a car if someone else is driving but the idea of myself being behind the wheel and controlling it is damn frightening to me. I don't believe I'd be a good and well-rounded driver. I don't think I can handle it.

And even when someone else is driving I get these scenarios in my head of what could happen, and it's always more than one scenario. So the idea of being behind the wheel as my mind goes through those scenarios detail by agonizing and scary detail is torture and terrifying for me. I've driven my mom's old car before, three times and each time my heart varied between stopping and thumping at a speed that's probably not healthy. That was months ago. I haven't gotten behind the wheel after that, and each time my mom asks, I say no.

I had a job at K-Mart last year. I lasted 3 months and loved what I did most of the time. Maybe that's because I worked in the shoe department and that's a complete girl thing. At the time K-Mart wasn't in control of the shoe department, it was another company that just signed a lease with K-Mart to sell under their store name. So I didn't have to use a cash register, which relieved me more than you can imagine. I didn't have to do anything but organize the shoes, which trust me, wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I had to help customers find the shoe they wanted, the size and such. And I'm pretty horrible with communication but it helped that problem a bit, not that it does much good for me now cause I'm back into my old distant ways.

I lost my job on the last day of my, what they called, 3 month training. Because after 3 months you have to file 3 warnings in order to be fired, if you've been working for less than 3 months than you can get fired off the spot, no warning required. That's what happened to me. My supervisor told her boss that I wasn't fast enough with my job, that I didn't work and that she caught me with my cell phone out once. The first reason was only partially true, I had my slow days and had my fast. The second wasn't true at all because I'd forget to take my lunch until my shift was almost over already. The third reason was true because that one time was an emergency.

I almost pointed out to my supervisor that she had her cell phone out twice in front of me, once to call her daughter and tell her a song that she loved was on when we weren't on break. And the second to text someone. I didn't point it out though, I was too crushed to speak. My mother spoke for me because she too worked at K-Mart at the time.

Losing my job just made me feel like a failure, it still does because I enjoyed what I did because it was perfect for me. I hate cash registers because I know that if I use one I'll screw up the entire purchase of a customer each time and they seem to complex to figure out for me. I'm not saying I'm stupid because I know I'm not. Deep down I know I'm not. But I feel like I am sometimes because I do know that I couldn't work a cash register correctly, when thousands of people my age can. So I haven't gotten a job because I'm afraid to fail, which in turn makes me already a failure. Even I know that because it's only logical. Yet I can't find the strength to go out there and try, I can't find the courage.

I am a coward. I am a failure. I am weak. And I am scared. I'm talentless, dreamless, hopeless....I wish I could add fearless to that less list but I can not. I'm sitting here already scared because I'm finally putting these words down on my screen. I'm finally making the words that were only thoughts before official. And it scares me to my core.

I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I can go with my life. It seems like such a waste, my life. But I stay for several reasons. My mother, my brothers, my family, my new found family, my friends and to endure every second of my life because I believe I should.

I probably sound whiny. Maybe I am. But I promised nothing but absolute truth in this post. And absolute truth is what my readers will get from now on. So continue to read if you like, if you want to read the ramblings and thoughts and opinions of a talentless failure that calls herself a Gypsy Lady.

"The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths." ~William James

"Truth is no Doctoresse, she takes no degrees at Paris or Oxford... but oftentimes to such an one as myself, an Idiota or common person, no great things, melancholizing in woods where waters are, quiet places by rivers, fountains, whereas the silly man expecting no such matter, thinketh only how best to delectate and refresh his mynde continually with Natura her pleasaunt scenes, woods, water-falls, or Art her statelie gardens, parks, terraces, Belvideres, on a sudden the goddesse herself Truth has appeared, with a shyning lyghte, and a sparklyng countenance, so as yee may not be able lightly to resist her." ~Charles Lamb

Twitter and Why I Use It

October 13, 2009


Twitter. Such a beautiful and unique website, tool, place, whatever you want to call it. I am addicted. Once I get internet on my computers I'll be able to do a lot more with it. Hopefully. I really do enjoy it, the applications for it seem interesting. I can't wait to get a Blackberry so I can get the application for that. I like trying to figure out how to work something, technology, that it. I'm not much for a Rubix cube, I feel like throwing that thing against a wall or throwing it on the floor and smashing it with a hammer whenever I try to fix the damn thing.



Off subject, again. It won't be the last probably. Back to Twitter. So far I've talked with some interesting people. Only a fair few that I talk with regularly such as @XRoger_Cx and @Intel_Eric and @DrJays and @Michelangelo200 and @Sveta_1990 and a few more whose names I might mention when I remember later. I'm horrible with names. Oh and @JerryJClarke as well. I talk with those people the most I think. And I like them. They are very interesting to me. Different people on a site that hosts millions of people, a site that gave me these people to talk with, these people that I deem as interesting and kind. (And I really hope they don't mind my using their names cause I didn't ask if I could.)




I'm a picky person when it comes to people. When I follow someone it's either because they have a good cause they are promoting or a business I like. Or people I find them interesting and maybe a bit intriguing. If I'm in a very good mood though, I follow someone because they were kind enough to follow me in the first place. But it's not an often moment for me.





Why do I Twitter? Many people have asked me this. I only say a fragment of the truth and not the whole. I first started Tweeting because I had nothing else better to do. Really. I am not even kidding. I don't work, and do not, as of yet, go to school. So I was bored and decided when I was in San Diego on vacation, I was going to get onto Twitter and figure out why it was so popular. I had first gotten my account in May and I tweeted once and didn't see what the big deal was. So I didn't log into my account or anything until September this year. When I was in California I got wireless internet on my laptop because a friend had it at her house. So I logged on, changed my username from MysticGypsy to @Gypsyladyamber for some reason that I don't know. I set it all up, my bio and avatar and looked celebs up because no one I knew had an account at that time, well that I knew of. So I followed them and they brought other people to my attention and I really got into talking to people and then reading articles they tweeted and so on.




The truth is I now tweet because one- I do have nothing to do besides write and clean. Two- I enjoy reading things that are tweeted. Three- I like the people on there so far. and the biggest reason- I LOVE that Twitter offers a world of various people with various differences from myself and other on Twitter. It's kind of hard to explain. Twitter is an odd thing for me, because I am horrible with talking to strangers in reality, but Twitter makes it easy for me to talk with others and get to know them. Am I saying this clearly?




Twitter seems to come up with something for EVERYBODY! It's amazing and brilliant. It really is. You can find people with the same interests or the opposite. You can find people with causes, people who do things that mean something to them. People with business, public speakers, authors, actors, Social Media experts, hard labor workers who love life, doctors...I could really go on and on but why not see for yourself? Twitter really is brilliant.



I may not be there for the best reason or be the most popular on there or anything like that, I believe in Twitter and it's power and benefits. I mean you find out about things faster than you do the TV News channels! About charities, causes, people, meetings, new technology, problems with the world and things in it and so much more. Twitter users help their friends on there, it's astounding how many benefits and amazing little details and magnificent people are on Twitter!!!




If you don't have an account, get one and try it for 2 months, because it took me less than that time to figure out what Twitter is about. Though there is always MORE too!

Stereotyping and Jazz

October 10, 2009


My mom is a beautiful mom and person who likes peanut M&M's. Yes indeed. I told her I was writing a blog post and she said to me "You should tell them about how beautiful I am." So I am. I'm actually writing this in a car next to her, unfortunately. But she won't be able to read what I write since she is the one driving. I don't tell her what I write about, I don't tell her what I think about most things. I don't think she'd understand. But that's that right?


Plus I'm not a very good communicator. I can write my feelings better than I can tell about them and even better than I can show them. I very rarely show what I feel. I don't think my own family knows what my beliefs, emotions and thoughts are. Most of my own friends do not know how I feel. I don't want to disappoint them nor my family with what I feel.


It's hard to write about this in a car with the one person, whom I love unconditionally, in here. So I will not.


I knew what I was going to write about when I first logged onto my computer, but I find myself not wanting to. Maybe another time. Right now there is some music on. Halestorm, a band I recently heard and absolutely love. "I Get Off" is the song. Yes, if you are mature enough to know that phrase's meaning, it is exactly as you think. It's not distasteful, it's actually a very simple and slightly erotic song. It's not soft at all though, it's hard rock and an awesome song to sing to when your alone (I would know) and probably a good song to sing to your sexual partner (that I wouldn't know) it's just a guess though.


In my first post I mention I have a wide taste in music, which is true. I'm very recently getting into Jazz. But I'm picky about it. I like the soft, velvety voice of a man singing to a soft and haunting, harmonizing instrument. But I like Jazz more when it's just the instrument itself. I don't like the upbeat kind of Jazz though. Not so far. I like it when it makes your skin tingle, your heart bounce. When it gives your spine a tickle and chill because of the beauty of it. When it makes your whole body plunge into different sensations all at once that confuses you and dazzles you.


That is by far the best Jazz.


Unfortunately, I've only heard little of that kind. If anyone has any kind of recommendations I would gladly listen to them. I try to listen to an artist's song first and decide if I like their sound. I don't really go by genre but by sound. For instance I like a few of Carrie Underwood's songs and Taylor Swift's songs. They are considered country. I don't find myself liking a lot of "country" music though. I don't judge a genre but the artists themselves. And as I notice it's usually the other way around for a good majority of the world. The judge the genre more than the artist. Every artist has their own unique sound. A genre does not. It's exactly like classifying a person into one specific group. Stereotyping. People stereotype people and music into group because they don't see one person, or artist as ONE unique person.


Let me give an example of a stereotyped person I know. My friend Dyno. (It's not her real anme but I'm not putting her real one on here.) Some people would stereotype her as a nerd, bookwork, geek...stuff like that. She's very intelligent. She can memorize nearly everything you give her. Though she cannot not remember where she put her own backpack, purse, keys, drink, etc. But though she is intelligent, there is more. She's a random creature who often just says something completely mind-numbing and surprising that it makes you have to think about what she said a few times before you get it. She's clumsy. Though thankfully I put her into high heels and showed her how to walk in them and now she loves them and hasn't broken her ankle. (Knock on wood.) She loves shoes and clothes. And thanks to me, make-up. She's a rebel too. She probably wouldn't see herself that way, but she is. And she knows how to argue, annoyingly so. It's hard to beat her but I think we're tied so far on number of wins.


She has different tastes in different things and friends and places. She can not be classified as one specific thing, much like an artist.


I hope I've done my best to explain my view on this. If not- tell me and I'll try again.


Each person is unique, not to be classified with a stereotype, unless they are boring enough to CHOOSE to be stereotyped.

2 Minutes

September 28, 2009


In my last blog post I wrote a few things about a few subjects, now I am to write a few things about myself. It’s hard for me, no doubt. I’ve a hard time telling people about me. I’m not sure why. I hate to talk on the phone. I’d rather talk in person, even though I’m not good at that either. I can be, but that’s not as often as I’d like. My mom and I share 1500 minutes, this month I used 2 minutes.



I like technology. It’s complex and interesting and exciting. I can not claim to know everything about cell phones, computers, machines and Internet browsers, but I know that basics so far, I hope to learn more. I remember when I bought my first phone, it was a crappy pre-paid phone but it looked so cool and I loved figuring it out. It even had a flashlight. But I like figuring out what you can do and find with cell phones.



Now, computers are harder and defiantly more complex, as I’m sure many people know, but I still toy with my laptop and desktop to this day. I’ve had the same laptop for about 6 or 7 years now. I’ve had the same desktop for almost 4 years, which I got for free! I’ll tell how and why I got it free later. But I am the only one who uses both computers. My mom is horrible with technology, I have to help her when she gets a new cell phone, but she gets the hang of it.



Mythology is a great love of mine. I love learning about myths. I hope to learn more myths from different countries. I mostly know Greek myths and such. Athena and Artimis are my favorite Goddesses and Apollo and Poseidon are my favorite Gods. I could go on and on about Greek Mythology but I am not going to just now. Maybe I’ll dedicate a whole blog post to that subject sometime.



Video games are not my thing. I know people who can play for hours at a time. My own brothers probably play 2-4 hours at a time or at least in one day. I think it’s insane. I played one computer game called Age of Mythology, and I liked it as something to do when I was bored but I’m just not too crazy about it. Though I do like The Da Vinci Code game my brother has for PS2 and a car game he has for PSP, but I like that game just because I can crash into the cops and then evade them and get money for it.



I have two best friends that I know I will always be friends with and always be close to. Though I still don’t tell them everything. I don’t really have the chance to anyway since they live in a different town than I do. Anyway their names are Auddy and Dyno. Well it’s their nicknames. I’m not going to put their real names on here because I don’t have their permission to. Actually, they don’t even know I’m writing a blog.



So that’s a few things. I don’t want to run on and on. I know short post. Deal.