How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself

Years. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds....They all pass by so fast sometimes. It's hard to catch up to life. And when I do, I don't ride life. I let it ride me. For weeks I've been pondering about how to write this post, and about how I would handle officially posting it. Because this blog post of mine won't be like my others. This one will not be censored by anything. It will not be about anything but myself, how I feel, what I fear, who I am....nothing but me. And if that interests you, then I'm surprised. If not, you can imagine I'm not surprised.

On Twitter I am known as Gypsyladyamber, just as I am here. On Twitter people say I am confident, funny, outgoing, and positive with a zest for life. They also think I'm older than I am apparently. Which is a a very good compliment considering a lot of people my age seems complete dunderheads. And some think I'm British. I've ignored that. I figured the mystery of not knowing my age, or what Nationality I am, would keep my followers interested because I'm already not interesting.

In order for me to be completely truthful in this post I do have to let the mystery fade and brake. So here it is. I am 17 years old, I live in America and am not British. My name is Amber and I live with my mother. My father just died in October, I only just started to know him because I only just found him in Febuary of 2009 and I didn't even get to meet him. We only got to talk by e-mails and phone. I had a step-father to the age of 14 and unfortunatly he is still in my life and I fear, will always be in my life. I have no job and I am studying for my GED that i hope to take sometime next year when I feel I'm ready. And while I consider myself to be a Gypsy I do not consider myself any of the things that my Twitter followers and Twitter friends consider me. Not even what my own family and friends consider me.

I am weak. I am a coward. I am fearful. I am a lie within myself. I try so hard to portray a confident young female who knows where she is going and knows what she wants. But I am not. But apparently I can fool people.

And I'm scared. I'm scared down to my bones because I am scared of things that it seems no one else around me is afraid of. For instance, I am afraid to drive. I'm fine in a car if someone else is driving but the idea of myself being behind the wheel and controlling it is damn frightening to me. I don't believe I'd be a good and well-rounded driver. I don't think I can handle it.

And even when someone else is driving I get these scenarios in my head of what could happen, and it's always more than one scenario. So the idea of being behind the wheel as my mind goes through those scenarios detail by agonizing and scary detail is torture and terrifying for me. I've driven my mom's old car before, three times and each time my heart varied between stopping and thumping at a speed that's probably not healthy. That was months ago. I haven't gotten behind the wheel after that, and each time my mom asks, I say no.

I had a job at K-Mart last year. I lasted 3 months and loved what I did most of the time. Maybe that's because I worked in the shoe department and that's a complete girl thing. At the time K-Mart wasn't in control of the shoe department, it was another company that just signed a lease with K-Mart to sell under their store name. So I didn't have to use a cash register, which relieved me more than you can imagine. I didn't have to do anything but organize the shoes, which trust me, wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I had to help customers find the shoe they wanted, the size and such. And I'm pretty horrible with communication but it helped that problem a bit, not that it does much good for me now cause I'm back into my old distant ways.

I lost my job on the last day of my, what they called, 3 month training. Because after 3 months you have to file 3 warnings in order to be fired, if you've been working for less than 3 months than you can get fired off the spot, no warning required. That's what happened to me. My supervisor told her boss that I wasn't fast enough with my job, that I didn't work and that she caught me with my cell phone out once. The first reason was only partially true, I had my slow days and had my fast. The second wasn't true at all because I'd forget to take my lunch until my shift was almost over already. The third reason was true because that one time was an emergency.

I almost pointed out to my supervisor that she had her cell phone out twice in front of me, once to call her daughter and tell her a song that she loved was on when we weren't on break. And the second to text someone. I didn't point it out though, I was too crushed to speak. My mother spoke for me because she too worked at K-Mart at the time.

Losing my job just made me feel like a failure, it still does because I enjoyed what I did because it was perfect for me. I hate cash registers because I know that if I use one I'll screw up the entire purchase of a customer each time and they seem to complex to figure out for me. I'm not saying I'm stupid because I know I'm not. Deep down I know I'm not. But I feel like I am sometimes because I do know that I couldn't work a cash register correctly, when thousands of people my age can. So I haven't gotten a job because I'm afraid to fail, which in turn makes me already a failure. Even I know that because it's only logical. Yet I can't find the strength to go out there and try, I can't find the courage.

I am a coward. I am a failure. I am weak. And I am scared. I'm talentless, dreamless, hopeless....I wish I could add fearless to that less list but I can not. I'm sitting here already scared because I'm finally putting these words down on my screen. I'm finally making the words that were only thoughts before official. And it scares me to my core.

I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I can go with my life. It seems like such a waste, my life. But I stay for several reasons. My mother, my brothers, my family, my new found family, my friends and to endure every second of my life because I believe I should.

I probably sound whiny. Maybe I am. But I promised nothing but absolute truth in this post. And absolute truth is what my readers will get from now on. So continue to read if you like, if you want to read the ramblings and thoughts and opinions of a talentless failure that calls herself a Gypsy Lady.

"The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths." ~William James

"Truth is no Doctoresse, she takes no degrees at Paris or Oxford... but oftentimes to such an one as myself, an Idiota or common person, no great things, melancholizing in woods where waters are, quiet places by rivers, fountains, whereas the silly man expecting no such matter, thinketh only how best to delectate and refresh his mynde continually with Natura her pleasaunt scenes, woods, water-falls, or Art her statelie gardens, parks, terraces, Belvideres, on a sudden the goddesse herself Truth has appeared, with a shyning lyghte, and a sparklyng countenance, so as yee may not be able lightly to resist her." ~Charles Lamb