How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

I'm So Sick Of People

I am so sick of people and their attitudes and their "I'm better than you" shit. I'm sick of people blaming others for everything when everything is half their fault too. I'm sick of a family that fights when they say the love each other. I'm sick of siblings who act as if the shit they did wrong isn't their fault. I'm sick of people telling me that I need to get over my goddamn fear of driving and just do it like a regular person. I'm so sick of people telling me I need to get out and find a boyfriend and get some more friends. I'm so sick of seeing heartbreak, sadness, anger, jealousy and careless, self-righteousness, selfish assholes who have idea what it is like to be alone, hungry, depressed, homeless, confused and scared.

I'm so sick of saying "I'm sick" because it's so true and I find that right now I see nothgin but anger and feel nothing but disappointment in the human race because they are such greedy, selfish bastards. We as a race have no concept anymore of what being "lucky" as fucking hell is anymore because you know what, we are lucky.

Yeah we go through shit through life and we go through some happy and sad and hard times but we CAN get through it and when we don't we blame it on other people instead of shutting the fuck up and taking a few hours to think about what we can do and accomplish by getting up and taking a stand for not only ourselves but OTHERS too.

I understand I'm ranting and I understand that later on I'll most likely take something for granted and then I'll straighten up and say to myself  "People have worse. You have a roof, a family, water and food."
Yeah sometimes it's not enough and sometimes we become lonely and some want it that ways and others don't. And yeah, sometimes when our "friends" ditch and ignore us it's not our fault, it's completely theirs. Sometimes families fight and get sick of each other, but to completely alienate them is bullshit. Sometimes our brothers can be selfish jerks who are arrogant and think only of themselves and we can't do anything to change that but hope that they change in the long run and still love them....And yeah that applies to sisters too.

But we as humans don't understand the concept of friends and family and love and trust, loyalty and generosity anymore. And it's sad, it's bullshit because once upon a time that is what this land (America) was founded on. Our fore fathers were true people with emotions, ideas, motivation, backbone, loyalty, generosity, honesty and so much more and what they built us humans today have destroyed with our greed, dishonestly, misdirected loyalties, and selfish ways.