How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

Twilight and New Moon- When Will It End?

November 18, 2009


Twilight. New Moon. Robert Pattinson. Kristan Stewart. Taylor Lautner. Bella and Jacob this, Edward that. When will it die down? I went into Hot Topic the other day and Heavens above! It was pack loaded with everything Twilight and New Moon. It was ridiculous. Now, I have nothing against the movies or books. Hell, I read each book in 8 hours in 4 days. I saw the movie when it came out on DVD cause I got it when it first came out. I loved the story and characters. But when you see stores with mostly nothing but Twilight stuff and hear people ALWAYS talking about the actors, the "Hot" characters and stuff...It gets old.

Now I can't wait to see New Moon. For five reasons- One, I love seeing books come to life on screen and comparing the two. Two, I want to see if the actors and actresses have strengthened their acting or if it's weakened. Three, it's a good twist in the story. I like the the author took away the beloved Edward for most of it and brought him back shortly. It gives some diversity in her writing and it gives the story better complications than the first book had. Four, I can't wait to see the new vampires from Italy. I can't wait to see which actors and actresses they used and how they've done with their characters. Five, I'm still a female so yes, I can't wait to see some hunky males with their shirts off. Sue me.

Now someone asked me what I thought of the books. It's a good story, but it could have been better. The "Vampires Sparkle" thing is just cheesy and too Hollywood for my taste.But it's someone's imagination and who am I to judge? The plot in each book was great, lots of turns and surprises, but none of the sharp turns that really take us by surprise and drop our jaws, well mine that is. (Remember this is my view, not anybody else's.) The characters need a bit work, I can only see some strengths and weaknesses, humans (and yes vampires as well) will always have more than three strengths and weaknesses. At least that's what I've observed. Each strength is reater than another but that's why we have so many. And it's the same with weaknesses. The characters are not as well devolved in personality either.

I personally think that the book Twilight was better than the movie. An from the looks of the New Moon trailer, I think I'll like the movie New Moon better than the book. But who knows? Now, I won't talk about the actors or actresses just yet because I'd rather not base their acting on just one movie. When I see New Moon, then I might talk about what I think because I'll have a more definite opinion. When all four are out though, I'll make my final verdict.

But like I said in the beginning- When will it die down? Twilight is fun and good, but it's not the best. When all four are down THEN it's the time to go all out til it's all done with. Give some other movies a chance. I don't see Transformers products or Harry Potter or any of the other brilliant movies out on the shelves, and to me those movies were much better than Twilight. But I do applaud Twilight and it's actors and crew for doing their best and making something of themselves and congratulations to them. (No I'm not being a sarcastic witch! I'm being honest)

I'm not "bashing" or "hating on" Twilight, New Moon, the movies actors or actresses, the crew or the author. I'm being honest and just letting my opinion out there. I do love the Twilight saga. I wouldn't have kept the books or bought the movie if I hadn't. If you don't like what I had to say about this, then close the window, tab or whatever your using and go to something else Hope your morning/afternoon/evening/night is enchanting.

Oh and if I didn't spell the Actors and Actress names right, please inform me, I'm too lazy to look it up. :)

Here I Am

September 24, 2009

It's funny how I never thought I'd have myself a blog and yet...here I am. Maybe I never thought I'd have one because I wouldn't know what to write or because people would think I was boring or unintelligent or some other terrifying thing that I wouldn't like. But now I realize I'm not writing a blog for other people- I'm writing it for me. And if other people read it and follow or don't follow it- then so be it. If people read it and like it think I'm interesting- woohoo! And it people read it and think I'm an idiot- Get back to your own life. This is mine.

I wondered if I could write a blog, listing my thoughts and actions and daily events, letting people be free to read what my life entails. I think I can. Besides even if people do or don't read this new hobby of mine I can always go back in a year or more and see what the hell I was thinking about. We can't always remember our every thought or movement and such.

I don't think I'll update everyday. Or maybe even every other day or every two days. Maybe an update per week. Or two updates per week or three. Who the heck knows right? I don't. Maybe I'll start to fancy writing everyday. I do love to write. It soothes me at times, frustrates me at others, pisses me off to high hell when it's not going how I want it to but most of all I feel like I'm doing something right, something good and something enjoyable to me. I love it. I love the many feelings as I write, I love the twists of it, how you can make letters and sentences and paragraphs completely your own. I'm not the best writer I know but...You make writing your own. Maybe that's why I like it. Because when I write- It's mine. It's me. No one else's.

Writing. Acting. Music. Art. Film. I love all those things. I fancy myself a good writer so far- for 17 years of age and since I wrote about writing in the above paragraph I don't imagine I should here as well. Acting, well I guess I can be okay at that, I've never really been in a play, though I have done some scenes and was supposed to be in a play called Blythe Spirit as Madame Arcati, whom I picked the part of, since it was just a class play and not a school one. But we never got to rehearse much or anything because some of the students didn't want to do it and didn't feel like doing their lines and didn't think it was fun anymore and that it was boring. It really pissed me off and bummed me out that they dropped the class and that we couldn't do the play after all. I've done some monologues and in the 6th through 8th grade we had these magazines that had little plays in them, but we'd stay in our seats and just read them, but I hated it so I used my voice to act out my part of Ella from Ella Enchanted in 6th grade, of Violet in Series of Unfortunate Events in the 7th grade and Elizabeth Bennett from Pride and Prejudice in the 8th grade. Loads of fun for me. But that's all the experience of acting for me.

Now granted I don't have the loveliest voice or have any musical instruments talents, but music I do love. Rock, Pop, Worldly, New Age, Orchestra, Classical, Jazz (Without lyrics though). And though I do like some Rap, Blues, Hip-Hop, and even rarely Country music, I don't follow those musical genres as much as I do the many others that I listed. But I do love music. Music that makes you want to get up and dance, Like Michael Jackson's music, may he rest in peace and people leave him and his family be. Music that makes you want to sit down a read a good book as you dimly hear the sweet music in the background, like Mozart or New Age music. Music that makes you want to sing along, like too many different artists that make you want to sing. Music that makes you wish you could play an instrument so that you could makes the same kind of music that as interesting affects on people, like Jazz and Blues. Music is an amazing and delightful pleasure that I will never tire of.

Now being the horrible artist that I am I can't claim to paint or draw and sculpt or anything and I won't pretend that I know professional artist names or pieces or even procedures, but I do appreciate it and love to examine and look at many forms of art. Though I will admit I do know a little Da Vinci and few other artist names. But I love to examine a piece and wonder why the artist made it, what they were thinking, feeling when they did. Had they made thought of someone or something that inspired them? Was it an out of the blue image that popped into their head? How had they felt after they had been done with that single piece of creation? So many questions, not many answers. But that's what life is sometimes life so the phrase "Art often imitates life," is used quite well in that aspect.

Watching films will always be something I'll do because I love everything about them. The making of it, the acting, the costumes, the machines used, the make-up, the people involved. I like criticizing and thinking about them. I like dreaming about them and thinking about what I would do differently if I'd been in the shoes of one of the characters. Everything. They fascinate me and some even make me go into awe. When I'm in a blue fog I'll watch a movie that makes me smile and laugh, the most frequent being Pirates of the Caribbean. When I'm in a red haze of anger I like to watch a movie that makes me forget the bad or stupid and makes me smile dreamily, like Pride and Prejudice. When I'm in a green eyed moment I like to watch a movie that will make me realize that life is short and that people have it worse, such as Stepmom or Titanic or something. There's so many wonderful and different, dreamy and satisfying, laughable and heart-warming, intriguing and mysterious things and feelings about movies. I could go on and on. Movies can do that to me.

If you are reading this and wondering- "Well she told us what she likes and why, what else can she have to say?" The answer is- Quite more. And if you are not wondering that and are thinking I'm boring- Then go back to your own life, as I said in the beginning, this is mine. And if you are smiling, then I'm so very glad that I could make a person smile today. Maybe it's not because of who I am but more of because you understand something of what I said on one of the subjects, then I am still very glad that you can smile and advise you to always find or do something that makes you smile.

Life is worth a smile.