I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.
I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.
Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.
I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.
When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.
Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.
Showing posts with label classes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label classes. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Communication+Me= HORRIBLE!
October 15, 2009
Communication. One of the many things I am terrible with. I very rarely tell anyone how I feel, what I think, what I'm feeling, what I want and so on. I don't tell my best friend, my mother, my family, not one person. It's all stored inside of me. I have a hard time with opening up. Sometimes I'm grateful for it, and other times...I just wish I had the power to be open and let people see what I feel. But I don't.
I can honestly say I write my feelings down better than I can say them. I can write down what I think better than I can say it. Unless of course I'm telling a person what I think of them, but even then I sometimes can't. Communicating is hard for me. And I hate public speaking.
I guess I'm kind of shy as well, but it's in a reserved and cautious kind of way. It's not in a "Blushing at every word that's said to me" kind of way. I'm not good with people. When a person says something and I don't think it's important or interesting I don't really say anything. It's very hard for me to explain seeing as it's my problem. I don't freeze up when a person talks to me, but like I said, if it's not important or interesting, I say nothing.
It's hard online at times as well. If a person is making small talk with me I don't think of anything to really say because I do not know that person. It's almost amazing I've made a few friends online on Twitter!
I was talking to someone on Twitter and he said that when I write about my communication problem to give him the link for it. But I really don't know what to say about this. Is that another sign that I'm a bad communicator? Maybe.
Maybe I just need lessons on this stuff. Is there a class for that? Blogging and communicating, that is. Probably. They seem to have a class for almost everything. I could do that. It would be hard for me. Because the class would probably make me stand up in front of others and talk to them about a certain subject that the teacher chooses. Which really sucks. I'm not sure what to do.
I used to be able to talk with my mom about anything. Same with my best friend. But over the past 4 years things have changed for me and about me. People say change is good and I used to think so. But is it really? When that change is so bad?
Communication. One of the many things I am terrible with. I very rarely tell anyone how I feel, what I think, what I'm feeling, what I want and so on. I don't tell my best friend, my mother, my family, not one person. It's all stored inside of me. I have a hard time with opening up. Sometimes I'm grateful for it, and other times...I just wish I had the power to be open and let people see what I feel. But I don't.
I can honestly say I write my feelings down better than I can say them. I can write down what I think better than I can say it. Unless of course I'm telling a person what I think of them, but even then I sometimes can't. Communicating is hard for me. And I hate public speaking.
I guess I'm kind of shy as well, but it's in a reserved and cautious kind of way. It's not in a "Blushing at every word that's said to me" kind of way. I'm not good with people. When a person says something and I don't think it's important or interesting I don't really say anything. It's very hard for me to explain seeing as it's my problem. I don't freeze up when a person talks to me, but like I said, if it's not important or interesting, I say nothing.
It's hard online at times as well. If a person is making small talk with me I don't think of anything to really say because I do not know that person. It's almost amazing I've made a few friends online on Twitter!
I was talking to someone on Twitter and he said that when I write about my communication problem to give him the link for it. But I really don't know what to say about this. Is that another sign that I'm a bad communicator? Maybe.
Maybe I just need lessons on this stuff. Is there a class for that? Blogging and communicating, that is. Probably. They seem to have a class for almost everything. I could do that. It would be hard for me. Because the class would probably make me stand up in front of others and talk to them about a certain subject that the teacher chooses. Which really sucks. I'm not sure what to do.
I used to be able to talk with my mom about anything. Same with my best friend. But over the past 4 years things have changed for me and about me. People say change is good and I used to think so. But is it really? When that change is so bad?
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