How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.

Bad Day

October 8, 2009

Do you ever have one of those days where everything is going down the drain and then this one little thing goes wrong and you just completely go off on so many of the other things that go wrong?

Well today is that day for me. First, Twitter goes on freeze mode. Second, my mom tells me some things I don’t like. Third, I get all sorts of invites varying from the useless and stupid to the disgusting and gagging. Fourth, I log into a website and then BAM the puncher. My computer starts to go super slow and the two, I repeat TWO programs I have on go nuts and freeze and won’t close and I go bulged eyes, fierce sneering and a little nuts.

Not good. I’m a really patient person. Really. It takes a lot for me to get mad and I usually don’t have a temper. But today is just that day.

And I’m in the library so to make it worse I can’t kick my desk, swear out loud and curse anyone nor anything because I’d get in trouble and I’m almost to the point where I just don’t bloody care if I get in any bleeding trouble!

Who knew that a Thursday could be so bad? Oh. Speaking of which, my favorite, as of now, show will be on tonight. New episode of ‘Bones’ so that makes it a wee bit better.

So let’s see. I talked about my day, frustration and that bunch of crap I am no longer going to think about.

Ah yes, remember Jimmy? Well he’s here at the library again. I helped him out with a few things on his e-mail, computer and a few other things again. He used to go to computer science classes but had/has a learning disability and dropped out.

Did you know where they came up with calling a bug (AKA virus, problem etc.) a bug? It’s because the very first computer, which was bigger than my damn apartment, had a whole lot of switches for it. Well one day the computer had a problem, it wasn’t connecting.

So they got a whole bunch of technicians to check the switches to see what the problem was. Well eight hours later, yes I said eight, they found the switch that had the problem and saw what was causing that switch to screw up.

A bug. It was a literal bug that was stuck in the switch. That bug caused a whole lot of frustration. Much like today.

That’s what Jimmy told me.

“Wisdom and knowledge comes in all types and forms of sources.” –Me :)