Words of Mystery

"Bits of lightening shocking my heart. Funny feelings swirling abroad. Thoughts rambled, jumbled up. Eyes never tearing at these horrid thoughts."

I find no reasons for these particular words. Words come, words go. But writing them down means they are alive forever. I've written two posts before that sing out what I feel. "Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself," and "I've Found You....I've Lost You." The first about who I am and what I feel towards myself, the second a poem, hopefully soon a song, about how I feel about my father's death.

Two subjects of which I'd thought I'd never write down. Because like I said, once the words are written, they are alive forever. I didn't want them to live and didn't want people to know. I didn't want people to know that I'm on my way to despising myself in certain areas. I didn't want people to know how angry I am about my father dieing. And yet, I've written it down.

To me, writing your thoughts down, make them final. Make them real. Alive. But thoughts can change too. So can writing them. I've gained friends, all of whom I cherish. And one thing many tell me- I've gained courage.

It's a thought that glows and wonders. Glows with pride, wonders of its accuracy. It's a thought I hope is true.

I hadn't known what I would be writing about until those words filled my head that begged to be let out their cage. I can contemplate what they mean. As can anyone who reads them. These words that just pop into my mind without a care, like magic, aren't really rare. They just are, they're just there.

As I ponder what meaning those words have to me, I ponder if anyone will contemplate it too, or even cares. "For I know I have many relatives, friends, and acquaintances; the loneliness still lingers heavily in my mind and heart. For I know that people care; I know not of the completion of heart." Another set of words that have haunted me till now. Words I think of, words I hear, words I know. Words i know are illogical but still...alive.

The thoughts of this mind are always running, like an overtime and overrun engine. The woes of the heart sometimes thought of, sometimes forgotten. The mystery of the words are sometimes known, others...only and just a mystery.

I Am Disgusted With Myself

Disgusted. That's one word I very rarely use, and I've never associated it with myself. But today....Ah today I have and am. I am disgusted with myself and very disappointed in myself.

I went to my first Doctors appointment today, just to meet my Doctor and give her my medical history. But they, of course, but you on one of those bloody weight scales that I'm sure EVERYONE hates unless it's positive numbers. My number was not, however, positive.

I weigh 184 damn pounds. And I'm outraged, disappointed and disgusted. I've never been so big before. I was 140 or so pounds in October last year and to know that I gained that much weight in 3 months is outrageous and terrible for myself.

Now I'm not saying that I look down on those who are my weight or bigger, because I don't. I just don't approve and believe that they should try to limit their food intake and try to loose some of those pounds because it's not healthy at all to be so big.

But now, it's my turn. For the past few years I've been around 140-160 pounds, on and off. Now it's 184 and I can't stand it. I feel unhealthy, unattractive and disgusting. I don't want to be 110 pounds or even 120, though I'm sure that would be awesome. 130 is ideal for my age. I'm tall so I'm sure I'd look good with that amount of weight and still have some lovely curves.

To reach said ideal weight and goal I'd have to lose 50 pounds. I can to that in 5 months. Can't I? To do this I have to cut out meat, candy, soda, ice creams (though I don't eat it anyway so no problem there,) chocolate (no problem with milk chocolate but dark chocolate I do have a problem with,) cereal, and any other foods/drinks/snacks that make you gain weight as you eat them.

I don't eat chips so I have no problem. The meat is going to be hard because I love meat on my pizza. Soda isn't a problem since I haven't been drinking much of it lately anyways, though I will splurge on root beer. And I use Sierra Mist for my virgin mimosa's but my Nan said Sierra Mist is okay to have since I use so little of it.

Candy won't be a problem since my Nan buys the most nasty candy around, let's hoe that doesn't change! Ice cream is no problem at all because I very rarely eat it. Dark chocolate however, will be a challenge. :( Cereal will be hard as well since I love it, especially Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, which is weird since I hate peanut butter with a passion.

Imagine me sighing right now. And then imagine me punching walls everyday without Dark Chocolate. Although I've read that a little Dark Chocolate everyday, but not too much, it actually beneficial for you so I might be covered there. :)

My Nan is going on a diet with me though, so it might help. She's a sweets freak too so who knows? For me it's salads, Lean Cuisine meals, fruits, juices and walking up and down the stairs 10 times fast each morning, afternoon and night. Oh and LOTS of water.

If any of you have any tips on losing weight, tell me. I will greatly appreciate it.

Oh and since I'm on the subject of changes, bodily, that is. I should tell you that I got a new acne kit. Well my Nan got it for me. I've had bad acne since the 7th grade and it's just getting worse. I was going to order Proactive but my Nan went into the mall and found an actual Avon store, how cool is that? Well we saw an acne system and the store had a deal. Buy one whole kit for $34.00 and get a travel kit, free. So since the travel kit is smaller, I'm trying that and will see if it works in a week, as guaranteed and if not we'll take it back and get Nan's money back. If it works-FINALLY!

So that's my list of bodily changes, let's hope they both become changed soon.

I've Found You....I've Lost You

I've said before that I'm not ready to tell the story of my Dad, but this is for him. This is the mist of what I feel right now. This is for you Daddy.

Reaching for the sky, as I'm falling on the ground.

Determined not to hit the dirt.

I've held it all in so well.

But as I descend I rush out with doubt.

I'm not sure if I can win, not sure if I'll lose

This emotion controls me

As I fall I begin to cry.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I lost you in the same year.

I found you, I love you.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm losing myself too.

Hitting the dirt, crying on the ground.

Lost in fury, lost in grief.

I can't find you, can't find myself.

My hearts in shreds, lost in dread.

I can not understand why life has tricked me so.

As soon as you're here you're gone

I cry, I'm torn.

I scream, not heard.

I want to fight like hell.

I want to curse at the world.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I love you!

I found you, I lost you in a year.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm slowly losing myself too.

Hurting

Crying

Screaming

Bleeding

Can't find myself anymore

As soon as we were found we got lost

In the cruelty of the world, in life

You left me

You took my heart and killed it

I never got to say hi

I didn't want to say goodbye

But I've got my memory

And maybe that's all I need for now

Till we meet again

Know that I love you always, Daddy.