The Ghost In My Past That Changed Me

 

I'm scared.

My heart is pounding. It's pounding so hard, so fast.

It's not because of anger, happiness, love. It's made of fear and relief. An odd combination, is it not?

I've only felt this three other times, over the same thing. And once more after that. And this time I'm not sure to be relieved altogether, or scared out of my mind. I'm not scared for myself. It's a fear for my Mother and little brother.

I found out a secret that changed a part of myself 7 years ago. I found out that the man I called my father was not my biological father at all. My mother told me about my Dad, Charles Ellis. And I immediately tried to find him...That' another story for another time though.

When I was 13 the man my Mother was married do did something to me that still haunts me. That still brings fear into my heart every time I see him, hear him, think of him.

Almost 5 years ago, my stepfather sexually abused me.

I was almost 14 the first time it happened. I'd gone to bed, but couldn't sleep. He came into my bedroom, called out my name to see if I was awake. I was but I didn't answer. Ealier that night he had snuck up behind me and scared me. I wanted to do the same.

I thought he was going to walk out of my room after he called my name out. I was planing to get out slowly and silently wand walk into the living room where he usually was at my bedtime in he's recliner, watching TV. The recliner always was behind my room, so I knew he wouldn't see me. I planned it so perfectly to scare the hell out of him.

This, did not happen.

He closed my door and I thought he had gone out, until I felt him sit down on my bed. SO I decided to stay quite and wait till he went out so I could get back to my plan.

But he started rubbing my legs from under my sweat pants. And it felt so good, I had restless leg syndrome. I stayed quite, and was almost asleep when I felt him go higher up my legs, and I was confused.

He touched me then. Where no man should tough, unless with permission. I definitely did not give him, nor ever would I have given him, permission. I was scared. I didn't make a sound, I could barely breath. I couldn't move, couldn't scream. I was frozen, in time, in body, in heart, in mind.

He used his fingers to take my virginity. He left soon after. He didn't rape me, just sexually abused me with his fingers.

I didn't even cry. I don't even remember when I feel asleep. I just remember waking up, going to the bathroom only to see blood where I didn't expect it to be. Then I remembered last night. I was just glad that he was already at work that morning.

I didn't tell anyone, Not even my mom. I was too scared that he was hurt my mom and brother.

A few weeks later, he did it again. Except he also used a muscle massager or something. Again, I didn't cry.

A few days after that my English class watched a movie "Speak." Kristian Stewart played in it. The next day told my best friend, she said tell someone. I went to my English teacher cause she was so kind and I was comfortable with her. I told her I had a dream of him hurting me, I told her I wanted and needed to speak with my mom. The teacher called her for me and I told her in the car while my teacher went to the principle and she called CPS.

I told my mom it was just a dream but that I was scared. She told my step dad to come home once I told her the truth. He denied it. Over and over.

CPS called us. The want to interview my mom, him and I. I saw what the strain was doing to my mom, and even my brother saw it though he didn't know. I knew that my mom would struggle if he went to jail, she didn't have a job at the time.

I told my mom I wanted to lie to CPS and leave this all be. SO we all did. We came up with a story, though I can't remember. We tried to tell the CPS lady that it was a basic misunderstanding. It worked.

I continued at school. But I had changed almost everyone saw it. I was once happy and outgoing and kind and brace and I easily spoke about my feelings. I'm not that person anymore.

He didn't do it again. My mom decided to separate from him. My mom and I moved away to another town so that we could still see my brother, since he wanted to stay with his dad, my step dad. My brother didn't know what happened and didn't want to leave his friends.

On the day that my mom and I left, my step dad did it again when my mom and brother were at storage getting some things out of there, we had just sold the house and put our stuff in a storage.

I had been assured and confident he wouldn't again since the last time was in May, and it was August 6th. I thought that the time frame meant he realized what he did wrong and wouldn't do it again. I was so wrong. He did it again, the same way. He stopped when he heard the door open.

I told my mom and she hurried us out.

I still see him because of my brother. Fear strikes me every single time I see him, think of him and hear him.

The reason I write this is because I hope it lifts some weight off my shoulder and mind.

My mom told me today that she told my soon to be ex step dad that I can't stand him, that I can't stand being near him cause he molested me, to not contact me, and that I only stand being around him for my brother's sake.

I'm scared cause I don't know how he reacted, if he'll react badly or if he reacts so badly that he hurts someone.

What happened to me is definitely not as bad as what happens to other girls and woman, I know this. But it still hurts and haunts me. And has changed me.

I'm okay with what has changed because while I am not happy or outgoing, I am cautious and analytical and no longer naive.

I don't trust people easily, my family and best friends are the ones I only trust. It now as to be earned. Not just given.

There's more around my past but this is the basics.

Exact Replica

There are times when I can write something that explains exactly how I feel, without knowing how I feel or what I'm going to write. That happened today. It's short, but to me it's an exact replica of how I am.

Fake smiles.

Forced laughter.

Never reasoning out my life disaster.

Easy tears.

Silent screams.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Tell Me Why

This is something I've just written. I think it needs a little work but I'm pleased. Tell me what you think.

Tell Me Why

Times are changing

People rearranging

What their morals used to be

Thoughts are dirty

Overly exploiting

All the things that once were private

Children are harmed

Ruined innocence

By verbal and physical abuse

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Murder ensued

Seeded from many horrid things

Cheating embraced

Caused by lust and greed

Abuse used

Meant for control and cruelty

Rape forced

Used for humiliation and control

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Guns used to defend

Cause the people are scared

To walk upon darkened streets

Crooks get away

Cause the law is paid off

And no one listens to us

Earth is being broken

Being made into it's own dump

We have to clean up for our sake

Children are dying

Of starvation, malnutrition and disease

We have to help to survive

But we let selfishness take over

The good is forgotten

Hope begins to fade

Cause of us human's fatal mistakes

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

You don't help make a change

Infidelity: Physical and Emotional

There's a blog that I read daily. I like his style, I like his honesty. I didn't even know who the hell he was, I'd never heard of him before but I was introduced by him by a tweet from one of my Twitter friends. And I became hooked.

Granted, I don't share some of his beliefs one certain things, people, music, places etc. But he's talented at getting his point through. His name is Shane Powers. If you'd like to read his blog here's the link http://www.shanepowers.com/

One of his resent posts got me thinking about what I believe on the subject. Cheating. Here's his thoughts on it and some interesting comment's by his readers. http://www.shanepowers.com/2010/02/cheating.html I highly recommend reading it.

I posted a comment of my own and instead of rewriting it, I'll just copy and paste for you my exact words.

"I believe that cheating shouldn't happen either way. If you want to get physical without emotion- One night stand, but not while you're already in a relationship that includes sex and emotion, not even when it's just a sexual fling with one person that will be for a short period of time.

If your in a relationship, but it's too early for sex for one parter and not the other- WAIT for the sex, don't go looking for a one night stand that'll have your head filled with your one night stand partner while you're with the person your in a relationship.

I believe being in a relationship should include it all, emotion, sex, communication, etc.

I am, by no means, traditional. I believe in getting pleasure when you can but being cautious about it, as much as you possibly can. I don't mean one night stand every night, that's just stupid and eventually you're appetite and stamina and time for sex is going to suck. It's always more pleasurable to have sex when your hot and anticipating after waiting for awhile.

If your not into commitment, don't go into a relationship with a person who is, only to emotionally abuse them- Because that is what that is. Find someone who wants a short fling as much as you do.

I could write more, but I'd rather not make a whole blog about it in a bloody comment.

Much Peace and Magic,

Amber ♥"

As you can see I wrote quite a bit on the subject already. But there is something that I did not touch on. "Emotional infidelity." I do not believe in such a thing. Maybe that's because I already don't show my emotions or express them very often in any manner. I don't believe in expressing emotions only to have them used against you, I've had that happen. And even before it happened I didn't express my emotions anyways.

If you're an emotional person and you get hurt when your romantic and/or sexual partner expressed their emotions to anyone but you- I think it's ridiculous. Now I can understand being hurt about it when your married or engaged to be married. But when it's just a fling, long relationship (up to a year), or a friendship, it's absolute rubbish to me if you get hurt.

I am not, and read this clearly, calling anyone who does get hurt when this happens, an emotional idiot with no right to get hurt. I am simply not that kind of person, so far. Everyone is different. I am simply saying that I think it's wrong to feel hurt when your not sure if your relationship is going to last. Emotion is a highly personal and intimate idea. And sharing them can leave you vulnerable and leaving yourself vulnerable to a single person is something I view as compromising and confusing.

Unless it's with someone you trust 100% which to me, is absolutely amazing. Unless it's family or a friend that you've known long enough to know you can trust them 100%. I have a couple of those kinds of friends. And still, I don't nearly express my emotions to them, as much as I probably should.

These are my opinions. I'd love to hear yours.

Simple As That

Someone told me a few days ago that I'm so confident. I mentally scoffed. The same person told me I was pretty, I told them "I'm not, but thank you."

I've looked in the mirror naked for 2 minutes. Every day. I walk away from it as fast as I could because I was so disgusted and put off and saddened by what I saw. Me. I saw me as a fat girl, with crooked teeth and an acne embraced face.

I've become self loathing.

And it kills me inside.

I think about this every night. I think about how terrible I look. And I cry. I tell no one. Not even my mom or Nan or best friends.

I understand that no one is perfect. I understand everyone has flaws. I know that the girls on TV, magazines, and the like have body flaws too and that they're just covered up better than most girls. I honestly do. I know that looks should not be everything. And I know they aren't.

So here's the "but"... I have nothing to be confident about. Not one thing. I have no talents, though some say I do. I don't have an absorbent memory. I don't have a healthy, athletic or thin body. I don't have clear skin. I don't have straight teeth. I don't have any natural beauty. Hell, I don't have any courage. I don't have anything to be confident about.

And I'm saying this to a cyber world of strangers who probably think I'm nothing but a teenage whiner on a "Woe is me" fest.

But I know I'm not. I just....I can no longer keep this inside of my, eating at me. I'm beginning to hate myself and that scares me.

I'm 180 pounds of fat.

I'm a teenage scary cat with no social life.

I'm a talentless nobody.

I'm a lost, lonely and self-loathing girl.

You tell me different and I won't believe you.

Simple as that.

Valentines Day- Romantic or Corny?

I never realized how much I dislike Valentines Day until now. I was at Walmart and I was around the Holiday Section and I counted 9 men and 2 women who were looking for last minute gifts and I thought "How utterly corny."

I honestly do not see the logic of choosing a day of the year to devote to "love" and the like. If a man or woman is going to do something romantic for their romantic partner why do it on the day that every other man and woman are going to do it? Do it on a random date that says "Hey I wanted to do something special for you, let's make this OUR day and not everybody else's day."

Why do what almost everyone expects you to do on Valentines Day? Why buy the candy and roses that say "Hey everyone else is doing the same thing today, so I thought I'd do it too!"

Now, I'm not a romantic. But just because I'm not a romantic doesn't mean I don't know romance- I know it when I see it. And Valentines Day? I'm not seeing it.

If a guy asks his girl to marry him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Loads of other guys have done it too. If a girl finally admits to her guy that she loves him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Say it on a random day at a random moment.

Now that you've read this tell me what you think about Valentines Day. Romantic or Corny?

Animal Cruelty...Acts of Human Selfishness and Violence

Animal cruelty. Sometimes it's acknowledged, a lot of times, it is not. And for what reason? Why do humans become ignorant of the pain animals go through? There are humans who become outraged at the thought of another human murdering another human yet they themselves will slowly kill an animal through neglect and cruelty. What gives a human the right to cast cruelty on an animal merely because they can and because the animal cannot defend itself?

Hunters will get together do take down a single bear or more, gorillas, elephants, tigers....beautiful and unique SOULS! They do this to kill and sell their coats of fur, skin and the like. Dogs are put into fighting contests, are beaten, neglected, abandoned and starved....Cats are kicked, thrown, abandoned, burned and starved.

Now some will say, "Isn't putting animals in a Zoo cruel?" Here's my answer- I can understand putting an animal in a Zoo, if it has nowhere else to go and if it is suffering because of nature, or most usually, the carelessness and viciousness of humans. If it's in a Zoo for it's care- I can understand fully. But to put an animal in a cage for the sake of the often attitude of "I can and will" is downright wrong.

Below I have listed some facts from a website called dosomething.org. Anything in the parentheses are my own comments.

• In many circuses, wild and exotic animals are trained through the use of intimidation and physical abuse. Former circus employees have reported seeing animals beaten, whipped, poked with sharp objects and even burned to force them to learn their routines! (After learning this, I shall never go to a circus again.The nerve and indecency and cruelty they put them through for the entertainment of us humans is not necessary and not right! )

• Elephants who perform in circuses are often kept in chains for as long as 23 hours a day from the time they are babies. (Tell me, why? Why do animals have to suffer for the entertainment of humans? Do humans suffer for the entertainment of animals?)

• More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used in research every year.

• Scientists estimate that 100 species go extinct every day! That's about one species every 15 minutes.

• If you live in Pennsylvania, California, Florida, Rhode Island, Illinois, Virginia, Oregon, New York, New Jersey and Vermont you have the legal right to refuse to participate in dissection in class! In Louisiana, there is a State resolution and in Massachusetts, Maine, Maryland and New Mexico, there are Departments of Education resolutions in place that allow you to refuse to dissect, although it hasn’t yet become a law.

• Dog fighting and cock-fighting are illegal in all 50 states. (And yet it still hasn't stopped. Harsher punishment needed? Or ignorance of the law?)

• It is estimated that on average it takes 1,000 dogs to maintain a mid-sized racetrack operation. New greyhounds are continually entering the system to replace greyhounds that grade-off due to injury, age or poor performance. There are currently over 30 tracks operating in the United States.

• Tens of thousands of wild and domesticated horses from the United States are cruelly slaughtered every year to be used for horsemeat in Europe and Asia. Since the last horse slaughter plants in the U.S. were closed in 2007, thousands of horses have been shipped to Canada and Mexico for slaughter. (Just because the US stopped slaughtering horses here, does NOT give them the right to ship them off to be slaughtered elsewhere. You still have a part in slaughtering them!)

• Many studies have found a link between cruelty to animals and other forms of interpersonal violence.

• Neglect and abandonment are the most common forms of companion animal abuse in the United States.

• A fur coat is pretty cool—for an animal to wear. Eighteen red foxes are killed to make one fox-fur coat, 55 minks to make a mink coat. (Us humans become outraged when we here of a serial killer, killing many for his own selfish reasons...What makes this any different?)

My heart aches for these animals subjected to the cruelty and selfishness and carelessness of the human race. My belief of what is right becomes more potent and unshaken. What is your belief of what is right? What do YOU believe in?

Three Days; A New Discovery

Three days.

Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.

About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.

I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?

I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.

If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."

If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.

Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.

Loner.

I'm a loner.

I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.

For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.

Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.

Loneliness.

I'm lonely.

I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.

Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.

I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.

I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.

I don't understand.

So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.

And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.