My New Life and New Goal

It's been a long time.

Too long. But, I have a good reason. My life is slowly improving. I'm going back to school four hours a day on a computer at a school, got almost 5 credits in less than three months of being there. I'm taking an online college class for "Human Growth and Development" and have an A+ (155 out of 155, 100%) I'm SO excited and SO proud of myself. I never thought I'd say that.

I shall be volunteering at the local hospital soon as well. In the ER, it should be interesting and hopefully help with my social awkwardness. So far so good.

I'm also thinking about redoing youtube videos and starting an experiment. I want to share with the world of youtube my journey to losing weight. I'm still 180 pounds and want to weigh 130. So, I'm thinking about sharing my reasons why I'm doing the videos in the first video and tell why I want to lose weight. And in the second video I will explain my first week of dieting and exercising and such. It's still a plan in progress, but I'm open to suggestions and opinions.

Hopefully I can keep up with blogging too. I know I said my blog was moved to Tumblr but that's more of a picture site and stuff.

Peace and Magic,

Your Gypsy Lady.

I'm So Sick Of People

I am so sick of people and their attitudes and their "I'm better than you" shit. I'm sick of people blaming others for everything when everything is half their fault too. I'm sick of a family that fights when they say the love each other. I'm sick of siblings who act as if the shit they did wrong isn't their fault. I'm sick of people telling me that I need to get over my goddamn fear of driving and just do it like a regular person. I'm so sick of people telling me I need to get out and find a boyfriend and get some more friends. I'm so sick of seeing heartbreak, sadness, anger, jealousy and careless, self-righteousness, selfish assholes who have idea what it is like to be alone, hungry, depressed, homeless, confused and scared.

I'm so sick of saying "I'm sick" because it's so true and I find that right now I see nothgin but anger and feel nothing but disappointment in the human race because they are such greedy, selfish bastards. We as a race have no concept anymore of what being "lucky" as fucking hell is anymore because you know what, we are lucky.

Yeah we go through shit through life and we go through some happy and sad and hard times but we CAN get through it and when we don't we blame it on other people instead of shutting the fuck up and taking a few hours to think about what we can do and accomplish by getting up and taking a stand for not only ourselves but OTHERS too.

I understand I'm ranting and I understand that later on I'll most likely take something for granted and then I'll straighten up and say to myself  "People have worse. You have a roof, a family, water and food."
Yeah sometimes it's not enough and sometimes we become lonely and some want it that ways and others don't. And yeah, sometimes when our "friends" ditch and ignore us it's not our fault, it's completely theirs. Sometimes families fight and get sick of each other, but to completely alienate them is bullshit. Sometimes our brothers can be selfish jerks who are arrogant and think only of themselves and we can't do anything to change that but hope that they change in the long run and still love them....And yeah that applies to sisters too.

But we as humans don't understand the concept of friends and family and love and trust, loyalty and generosity anymore. And it's sad, it's bullshit because once upon a time that is what this land (America) was founded on. Our fore fathers were true people with emotions, ideas, motivation, backbone, loyalty, generosity, honesty and so much more and what they built us humans today have destroyed with our greed, dishonestly, misdirected loyalties, and selfish ways.

Okay I'm moving my blog

I've created a new blog, a fresh start one might say. The link is http://gypsyladyamber.tumblr.com/ you can follow or not, I don't really care. I'm just kinda bored with this site for some reason. Needs a major update.

Ciao!

35 Things I Needed To Say And Get Off My Chest

 

I should be hanged. I haven't written anything in what seems decades to me. Not anything good actually.

So here's an update on my life:

1) Since I arrived here I've had 4 teeth pulled and a ton load of fillings.

2) The first dentist office sucked. Mostly because I could only get an appointment once a month.

3) I got a new dentist who can get me in once a week.

4) My diet plan didn't go well. I'm still the same.

5) I have a new plan....still developing it.

6) My face has cleared up.

7) I'm hoping it continues to.

8) If it doesn't, I will research a Chemical Peel, go to a dermatologist and if s/he says it would be good for my skin- I will research a few places and get one.

9) My mom has moved to my hometown, where most of my friends are, and my little brother is living with her.

10) They live in a 3 bedroom apartment.

11) I have a plan for my Youtube videos.

12) My next dentist appointment is May 20th.

13) My birthday is May 21st....18...Ooh-rah!....Not.

14) I leave for home on my birthday.

15) I'm going to miss my Nan like crazy and most likely I will be crying for awhile.

16) I hate crying.

17) Crying gives me a headache.

18) Most likely I'll be grumpy for the next few weeks.

19) I probably won't write personal tweets much at all for the next few weeks.

20) I'll be living in my Mom's apartment.

21) I'm going back to high school.

22) I'm scared shitless.

23) I have no idea what the phrase above even means.

24) I think I'm writing too much.

25) But then again, I haven't written in awhile so in a way I'm making up for with this ultra long, super, fantastic, weird, random, babbling list.

26) If you've read this long give yourself a pat on the back.

27) There is a drink called Sierra Mist Cranberry Splash...I love it.

28) It's my favorite drink.

29) I call it a Fake Mimosa In A Can.

30) My next favorite drink is Diet Pepsi.

31) I'm watching "The Golden Compass" and I actually really like it. It's creative.

32) I have a welt from a bloody mosquito on my right hand. (No pun intended.)

33) I have to go help someone right now.

34) So I have to go now. Maybe soon I'll make another blog post. If you COMMENT on this and tell me what the hell you think about this long list.

35) Peace, Love and Magic~ Bye!

For Better or For Worse?

Who knew that in a week your life could shift and mold into something else?

I did. Only I didn't dare hope for this. I didn't dare dream. I'm moving back to my hometown, the place I loved and hated the most. I love it because my family and friends are there, but I hate it because my ex-step dad is there. Now, I'm moving back. Well my mom is moving back now as I type, so that means when I fly back home from Oregon I'll be going to a new home. And I'm so ecstatic.


To make these even better, my little brother is moving in with my Mom and I and getting out of my ex-step dad's place. Now, I know it's possible I'll see him every now and then but I can handle that. I got my stun gun....Nah, although I do, I mean that I can emotionally and mentally handle that because I know that things are coming together like this for a reason.


And what I mean by that is....I'm going back to school! It's different than regular high school, it's a program where I'll be able to get all the credits I need in order to graduate in about a year and a half! Oh and I don't have to go in until 10 am. How awesome is that? But I'm scared, nervous and excited. I'm not sure why I feel all that. But I just feel like this is the right thing to do.

I don't know exactly what this program entails but I'm ready to do this. I'm ready to change and become a better person. I know this won't be easy for me but I know I can do it. I can just feel it you know? It's that gut feeling. As illogical that is I can feel the power of it at full force.


Besides that, I'm hoping that I can lose 30 pounds before August. That way when I go back to school I feel confident about myself a bit more. And then maybe in two months I can lose 20 pounds. I'll have money to go to the gym for a few months so that could help and I want to take self-defense classes.


So basically I have some high goals for myself. But I'm going to need the help and support of gym family and friends. I can't do this alone. I'm going to want to give up, I'm going to bitch and moan. But I can do it with some help. 


I am slowly believing in myself again.


So. "For Better" for sure.

Was Feeling Bad but then I saw THIS

For all of my Twitter friends- if you aren't grinning at this you need to tweet some more!

New Level

......How scary.

That's What She Said

I only just figured out what the phrase "That's What She Said," actually is used for. I never "got it" when people would say that phrase after I said something. Apparently I don't have as dirty a mind as some seem to think. Now I know.

Wanna see?

Just laughed my buttocks off.....Okay so I only wish I did. This was just too funny.

Religions of the World

Religion. The subject, idea, cause, whatever it is to YOU, religion is an excuse for war. People cause war, not religion. And before I post this picture I am going to say this- I am not, in any way, against or with any single religion. I understand everyone believes in something for a reason, maybe not their own reason but for others' reasons, but I do not judge them on it at all.

This picture was just something I found light-heartedly funny about religion. Hope it causes a smile and/or laugh as it did me. 

I hope no offence has been caused. If so, please let me know.

Smile!

I just came across this and thought it to be incredibly cute and funny.

It made me smile.

So I posted it, hoping it will make you smile too.

Matthew Gray Gubler

Creative. Genius.

Just two words that describe his personality and skill. Skill in filming, acting and drawling.

Okay so some of his drawings kind of make me wide eyed. But they are actually amazing. They're unique and interesting. He puts a lot of detail into them and makes them so "his" he just owns them. And the use of color is lovely actually. Some would do black and white but his use of color suggests a type of... fascination.  I'd definitely encourage him to keep drawing. And to try his hand at scenery. 

You can view his drawings here- http://www.matthewgraygubler.com/webpage/

His acting, however, is outstanding and bloody brilliant. Had I followed my former dream to act I would hope to be as good as him and my much loved Johnny Depp....Okay so it's a lingering dream, I'm still considering my options. (I don't think I'd make it anyways.)

In the show "Criminal Minds" Matthew plays Dr. Spencer Reid, a FBI Profiler and Doctor with many degrees in various subjects. He's absolutely incredible, the amount of lines this man has to say in a one hour show is unfathomable especially because he has to say them fast because his character permits it.

He also plays in "How To Be A Serial Killer." I've not see it , as of yet, but once I do I will most likely write a post about it. I'm looking forward to watching this movie very much.

Director wise, he's quite good. "Mosley Lane" is the newest episode in "Criminal Minds" and though it isn't as creepy as I heard it would be, this episode is really great. The guest stars were perfectly cast, they looked like dolls; they were the creepy part. Though, I don't get "creeped out" as easily as most girls.

I believe he's written and directed a few other short films, that I do hope I can find.

Matthew has a Twitter account, though he doesn't Tweet as much as I think he should and he needs to spice up his stream by following more people. (Yes that's a clue that I want him to follow me and I think he should cause I'm wicked. Alyssa Milano follows me :D) Link for his Twitter- http://twitter.com/GUBLERNATION

He also has a Myspace, http://www.myspace.com/matthewgraygubler

I think he has other accounts, if I find out I'll edit this and write them down as soon as possible.

If you see anything he's been involved with, business wise that is (I don't believe his personal life is any of our business, unless he doesn't care) please write a comment on what you think of his work.

Much Peace and Magic to my readers!!!

XOXO~ GypsyLadyAmber

The Ghost In My Past That Changed Me

 

I'm scared.

My heart is pounding. It's pounding so hard, so fast.

It's not because of anger, happiness, love. It's made of fear and relief. An odd combination, is it not?

I've only felt this three other times, over the same thing. And once more after that. And this time I'm not sure to be relieved altogether, or scared out of my mind. I'm not scared for myself. It's a fear for my Mother and little brother.

I found out a secret that changed a part of myself 7 years ago. I found out that the man I called my father was not my biological father at all. My mother told me about my Dad, Charles Ellis. And I immediately tried to find him...That' another story for another time though.

When I was 13 the man my Mother was married do did something to me that still haunts me. That still brings fear into my heart every time I see him, hear him, think of him.

Almost 5 years ago, my stepfather sexually abused me.

I was almost 14 the first time it happened. I'd gone to bed, but couldn't sleep. He came into my bedroom, called out my name to see if I was awake. I was but I didn't answer. Ealier that night he had snuck up behind me and scared me. I wanted to do the same.

I thought he was going to walk out of my room after he called my name out. I was planing to get out slowly and silently wand walk into the living room where he usually was at my bedtime in he's recliner, watching TV. The recliner always was behind my room, so I knew he wouldn't see me. I planned it so perfectly to scare the hell out of him.

This, did not happen.

He closed my door and I thought he had gone out, until I felt him sit down on my bed. SO I decided to stay quite and wait till he went out so I could get back to my plan.

But he started rubbing my legs from under my sweat pants. And it felt so good, I had restless leg syndrome. I stayed quite, and was almost asleep when I felt him go higher up my legs, and I was confused.

He touched me then. Where no man should tough, unless with permission. I definitely did not give him, nor ever would I have given him, permission. I was scared. I didn't make a sound, I could barely breath. I couldn't move, couldn't scream. I was frozen, in time, in body, in heart, in mind.

He used his fingers to take my virginity. He left soon after. He didn't rape me, just sexually abused me with his fingers.

I didn't even cry. I don't even remember when I feel asleep. I just remember waking up, going to the bathroom only to see blood where I didn't expect it to be. Then I remembered last night. I was just glad that he was already at work that morning.

I didn't tell anyone, Not even my mom. I was too scared that he was hurt my mom and brother.

A few weeks later, he did it again. Except he also used a muscle massager or something. Again, I didn't cry.

A few days after that my English class watched a movie "Speak." Kristian Stewart played in it. The next day told my best friend, she said tell someone. I went to my English teacher cause she was so kind and I was comfortable with her. I told her I had a dream of him hurting me, I told her I wanted and needed to speak with my mom. The teacher called her for me and I told her in the car while my teacher went to the principle and she called CPS.

I told my mom it was just a dream but that I was scared. She told my step dad to come home once I told her the truth. He denied it. Over and over.

CPS called us. The want to interview my mom, him and I. I saw what the strain was doing to my mom, and even my brother saw it though he didn't know. I knew that my mom would struggle if he went to jail, she didn't have a job at the time.

I told my mom I wanted to lie to CPS and leave this all be. SO we all did. We came up with a story, though I can't remember. We tried to tell the CPS lady that it was a basic misunderstanding. It worked.

I continued at school. But I had changed almost everyone saw it. I was once happy and outgoing and kind and brace and I easily spoke about my feelings. I'm not that person anymore.

He didn't do it again. My mom decided to separate from him. My mom and I moved away to another town so that we could still see my brother, since he wanted to stay with his dad, my step dad. My brother didn't know what happened and didn't want to leave his friends.

On the day that my mom and I left, my step dad did it again when my mom and brother were at storage getting some things out of there, we had just sold the house and put our stuff in a storage.

I had been assured and confident he wouldn't again since the last time was in May, and it was August 6th. I thought that the time frame meant he realized what he did wrong and wouldn't do it again. I was so wrong. He did it again, the same way. He stopped when he heard the door open.

I told my mom and she hurried us out.

I still see him because of my brother. Fear strikes me every single time I see him, think of him and hear him.

The reason I write this is because I hope it lifts some weight off my shoulder and mind.

My mom told me today that she told my soon to be ex step dad that I can't stand him, that I can't stand being near him cause he molested me, to not contact me, and that I only stand being around him for my brother's sake.

I'm scared cause I don't know how he reacted, if he'll react badly or if he reacts so badly that he hurts someone.

What happened to me is definitely not as bad as what happens to other girls and woman, I know this. But it still hurts and haunts me. And has changed me.

I'm okay with what has changed because while I am not happy or outgoing, I am cautious and analytical and no longer naive.

I don't trust people easily, my family and best friends are the ones I only trust. It now as to be earned. Not just given.

There's more around my past but this is the basics.

Exact Replica

There are times when I can write something that explains exactly how I feel, without knowing how I feel or what I'm going to write. That happened today. It's short, but to me it's an exact replica of how I am.

Fake smiles.

Forced laughter.

Never reasoning out my life disaster.

Easy tears.

Silent screams.

Nothing is ever what it seems.

Tell Me Why

This is something I've just written. I think it needs a little work but I'm pleased. Tell me what you think.

Tell Me Why

Times are changing

People rearranging

What their morals used to be

Thoughts are dirty

Overly exploiting

All the things that once were private

Children are harmed

Ruined innocence

By verbal and physical abuse

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Murder ensued

Seeded from many horrid things

Cheating embraced

Caused by lust and greed

Abuse used

Meant for control and cruelty

Rape forced

Used for humiliation and control

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Guns used to defend

Cause the people are scared

To walk upon darkened streets

Crooks get away

Cause the law is paid off

And no one listens to us

Earth is being broken

Being made into it's own dump

We have to clean up for our sake

Children are dying

Of starvation, malnutrition and disease

We have to help to survive

But we let selfishness take over

The good is forgotten

Hope begins to fade

Cause of us human's fatal mistakes

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

You don't help make a change

Infidelity: Physical and Emotional

There's a blog that I read daily. I like his style, I like his honesty. I didn't even know who the hell he was, I'd never heard of him before but I was introduced by him by a tweet from one of my Twitter friends. And I became hooked.

Granted, I don't share some of his beliefs one certain things, people, music, places etc. But he's talented at getting his point through. His name is Shane Powers. If you'd like to read his blog here's the link http://www.shanepowers.com/

One of his resent posts got me thinking about what I believe on the subject. Cheating. Here's his thoughts on it and some interesting comment's by his readers. http://www.shanepowers.com/2010/02/cheating.html I highly recommend reading it.

I posted a comment of my own and instead of rewriting it, I'll just copy and paste for you my exact words.

"I believe that cheating shouldn't happen either way. If you want to get physical without emotion- One night stand, but not while you're already in a relationship that includes sex and emotion, not even when it's just a sexual fling with one person that will be for a short period of time.

If your in a relationship, but it's too early for sex for one parter and not the other- WAIT for the sex, don't go looking for a one night stand that'll have your head filled with your one night stand partner while you're with the person your in a relationship.

I believe being in a relationship should include it all, emotion, sex, communication, etc.

I am, by no means, traditional. I believe in getting pleasure when you can but being cautious about it, as much as you possibly can. I don't mean one night stand every night, that's just stupid and eventually you're appetite and stamina and time for sex is going to suck. It's always more pleasurable to have sex when your hot and anticipating after waiting for awhile.

If your not into commitment, don't go into a relationship with a person who is, only to emotionally abuse them- Because that is what that is. Find someone who wants a short fling as much as you do.

I could write more, but I'd rather not make a whole blog about it in a bloody comment.

Much Peace and Magic,

Amber ♥"

As you can see I wrote quite a bit on the subject already. But there is something that I did not touch on. "Emotional infidelity." I do not believe in such a thing. Maybe that's because I already don't show my emotions or express them very often in any manner. I don't believe in expressing emotions only to have them used against you, I've had that happen. And even before it happened I didn't express my emotions anyways.

If you're an emotional person and you get hurt when your romantic and/or sexual partner expressed their emotions to anyone but you- I think it's ridiculous. Now I can understand being hurt about it when your married or engaged to be married. But when it's just a fling, long relationship (up to a year), or a friendship, it's absolute rubbish to me if you get hurt.

I am not, and read this clearly, calling anyone who does get hurt when this happens, an emotional idiot with no right to get hurt. I am simply not that kind of person, so far. Everyone is different. I am simply saying that I think it's wrong to feel hurt when your not sure if your relationship is going to last. Emotion is a highly personal and intimate idea. And sharing them can leave you vulnerable and leaving yourself vulnerable to a single person is something I view as compromising and confusing.

Unless it's with someone you trust 100% which to me, is absolutely amazing. Unless it's family or a friend that you've known long enough to know you can trust them 100%. I have a couple of those kinds of friends. And still, I don't nearly express my emotions to them, as much as I probably should.

These are my opinions. I'd love to hear yours.

Simple As That

Someone told me a few days ago that I'm so confident. I mentally scoffed. The same person told me I was pretty, I told them "I'm not, but thank you."

I've looked in the mirror naked for 2 minutes. Every day. I walk away from it as fast as I could because I was so disgusted and put off and saddened by what I saw. Me. I saw me as a fat girl, with crooked teeth and an acne embraced face.

I've become self loathing.

And it kills me inside.

I think about this every night. I think about how terrible I look. And I cry. I tell no one. Not even my mom or Nan or best friends.

I understand that no one is perfect. I understand everyone has flaws. I know that the girls on TV, magazines, and the like have body flaws too and that they're just covered up better than most girls. I honestly do. I know that looks should not be everything. And I know they aren't.

So here's the "but"... I have nothing to be confident about. Not one thing. I have no talents, though some say I do. I don't have an absorbent memory. I don't have a healthy, athletic or thin body. I don't have clear skin. I don't have straight teeth. I don't have any natural beauty. Hell, I don't have any courage. I don't have anything to be confident about.

And I'm saying this to a cyber world of strangers who probably think I'm nothing but a teenage whiner on a "Woe is me" fest.

But I know I'm not. I just....I can no longer keep this inside of my, eating at me. I'm beginning to hate myself and that scares me.

I'm 180 pounds of fat.

I'm a teenage scary cat with no social life.

I'm a talentless nobody.

I'm a lost, lonely and self-loathing girl.

You tell me different and I won't believe you.

Simple as that.

Valentines Day- Romantic or Corny?

I never realized how much I dislike Valentines Day until now. I was at Walmart and I was around the Holiday Section and I counted 9 men and 2 women who were looking for last minute gifts and I thought "How utterly corny."

I honestly do not see the logic of choosing a day of the year to devote to "love" and the like. If a man or woman is going to do something romantic for their romantic partner why do it on the day that every other man and woman are going to do it? Do it on a random date that says "Hey I wanted to do something special for you, let's make this OUR day and not everybody else's day."

Why do what almost everyone expects you to do on Valentines Day? Why buy the candy and roses that say "Hey everyone else is doing the same thing today, so I thought I'd do it too!"

Now, I'm not a romantic. But just because I'm not a romantic doesn't mean I don't know romance- I know it when I see it. And Valentines Day? I'm not seeing it.

If a guy asks his girl to marry him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Loads of other guys have done it too. If a girl finally admits to her guy that she loves him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Say it on a random day at a random moment.

Now that you've read this tell me what you think about Valentines Day. Romantic or Corny?

Animal Cruelty...Acts of Human Selfishness and Violence

Animal cruelty. Sometimes it's acknowledged, a lot of times, it is not. And for what reason? Why do humans become ignorant of the pain animals go through? There are humans who become outraged at the thought of another human murdering another human yet they themselves will slowly kill an animal through neglect and cruelty. What gives a human the right to cast cruelty on an animal merely because they can and because the animal cannot defend itself?

Hunters will get together do take down a single bear or more, gorillas, elephants, tigers....beautiful and unique SOULS! They do this to kill and sell their coats of fur, skin and the like. Dogs are put into fighting contests, are beaten, neglected, abandoned and starved....Cats are kicked, thrown, abandoned, burned and starved.

Now some will say, "Isn't putting animals in a Zoo cruel?" Here's my answer- I can understand putting an animal in a Zoo, if it has nowhere else to go and if it is suffering because of nature, or most usually, the carelessness and viciousness of humans. If it's in a Zoo for it's care- I can understand fully. But to put an animal in a cage for the sake of the often attitude of "I can and will" is downright wrong.

Below I have listed some facts from a website called dosomething.org. Anything in the parentheses are my own comments.

• In many circuses, wild and exotic animals are trained through the use of intimidation and physical abuse. Former circus employees have reported seeing animals beaten, whipped, poked with sharp objects and even burned to force them to learn their routines! (After learning this, I shall never go to a circus again.The nerve and indecency and cruelty they put them through for the entertainment of us humans is not necessary and not right! )

• Elephants who perform in circuses are often kept in chains for as long as 23 hours a day from the time they are babies. (Tell me, why? Why do animals have to suffer for the entertainment of humans? Do humans suffer for the entertainment of animals?)

• More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used in research every year.

• Scientists estimate that 100 species go extinct every day! That's about one species every 15 minutes.

• If you live in Pennsylvania, California, Florida, Rhode Island, Illinois, Virginia, Oregon, New York, New Jersey and Vermont you have the legal right to refuse to participate in dissection in class! In Louisiana, there is a State resolution and in Massachusetts, Maine, Maryland and New Mexico, there are Departments of Education resolutions in place that allow you to refuse to dissect, although it hasn’t yet become a law.

• Dog fighting and cock-fighting are illegal in all 50 states. (And yet it still hasn't stopped. Harsher punishment needed? Or ignorance of the law?)

• It is estimated that on average it takes 1,000 dogs to maintain a mid-sized racetrack operation. New greyhounds are continually entering the system to replace greyhounds that grade-off due to injury, age or poor performance. There are currently over 30 tracks operating in the United States.

• Tens of thousands of wild and domesticated horses from the United States are cruelly slaughtered every year to be used for horsemeat in Europe and Asia. Since the last horse slaughter plants in the U.S. were closed in 2007, thousands of horses have been shipped to Canada and Mexico for slaughter. (Just because the US stopped slaughtering horses here, does NOT give them the right to ship them off to be slaughtered elsewhere. You still have a part in slaughtering them!)

• Many studies have found a link between cruelty to animals and other forms of interpersonal violence.

• Neglect and abandonment are the most common forms of companion animal abuse in the United States.

• A fur coat is pretty cool—for an animal to wear. Eighteen red foxes are killed to make one fox-fur coat, 55 minks to make a mink coat. (Us humans become outraged when we here of a serial killer, killing many for his own selfish reasons...What makes this any different?)

My heart aches for these animals subjected to the cruelty and selfishness and carelessness of the human race. My belief of what is right becomes more potent and unshaken. What is your belief of what is right? What do YOU believe in?

Three Days; A New Discovery

Three days.

Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.

About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.

I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?

I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.

If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."

If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.

Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.

Loner.

I'm a loner.

I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.

For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.

Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.

Loneliness.

I'm lonely.

I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.

Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.

I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.

I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.

I don't understand.

So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.

And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.

Words of Mystery

"Bits of lightening shocking my heart. Funny feelings swirling abroad. Thoughts rambled, jumbled up. Eyes never tearing at these horrid thoughts."

I find no reasons for these particular words. Words come, words go. But writing them down means they are alive forever. I've written two posts before that sing out what I feel. "Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself," and "I've Found You....I've Lost You." The first about who I am and what I feel towards myself, the second a poem, hopefully soon a song, about how I feel about my father's death.

Two subjects of which I'd thought I'd never write down. Because like I said, once the words are written, they are alive forever. I didn't want them to live and didn't want people to know. I didn't want people to know that I'm on my way to despising myself in certain areas. I didn't want people to know how angry I am about my father dieing. And yet, I've written it down.

To me, writing your thoughts down, make them final. Make them real. Alive. But thoughts can change too. So can writing them. I've gained friends, all of whom I cherish. And one thing many tell me- I've gained courage.

It's a thought that glows and wonders. Glows with pride, wonders of its accuracy. It's a thought I hope is true.

I hadn't known what I would be writing about until those words filled my head that begged to be let out their cage. I can contemplate what they mean. As can anyone who reads them. These words that just pop into my mind without a care, like magic, aren't really rare. They just are, they're just there.

As I ponder what meaning those words have to me, I ponder if anyone will contemplate it too, or even cares. "For I know I have many relatives, friends, and acquaintances; the loneliness still lingers heavily in my mind and heart. For I know that people care; I know not of the completion of heart." Another set of words that have haunted me till now. Words I think of, words I hear, words I know. Words i know are illogical but still...alive.

The thoughts of this mind are always running, like an overtime and overrun engine. The woes of the heart sometimes thought of, sometimes forgotten. The mystery of the words are sometimes known, others...only and just a mystery.

I Am Disgusted With Myself

Disgusted. That's one word I very rarely use, and I've never associated it with myself. But today....Ah today I have and am. I am disgusted with myself and very disappointed in myself.

I went to my first Doctors appointment today, just to meet my Doctor and give her my medical history. But they, of course, but you on one of those bloody weight scales that I'm sure EVERYONE hates unless it's positive numbers. My number was not, however, positive.

I weigh 184 damn pounds. And I'm outraged, disappointed and disgusted. I've never been so big before. I was 140 or so pounds in October last year and to know that I gained that much weight in 3 months is outrageous and terrible for myself.

Now I'm not saying that I look down on those who are my weight or bigger, because I don't. I just don't approve and believe that they should try to limit their food intake and try to loose some of those pounds because it's not healthy at all to be so big.

But now, it's my turn. For the past few years I've been around 140-160 pounds, on and off. Now it's 184 and I can't stand it. I feel unhealthy, unattractive and disgusting. I don't want to be 110 pounds or even 120, though I'm sure that would be awesome. 130 is ideal for my age. I'm tall so I'm sure I'd look good with that amount of weight and still have some lovely curves.

To reach said ideal weight and goal I'd have to lose 50 pounds. I can to that in 5 months. Can't I? To do this I have to cut out meat, candy, soda, ice creams (though I don't eat it anyway so no problem there,) chocolate (no problem with milk chocolate but dark chocolate I do have a problem with,) cereal, and any other foods/drinks/snacks that make you gain weight as you eat them.

I don't eat chips so I have no problem. The meat is going to be hard because I love meat on my pizza. Soda isn't a problem since I haven't been drinking much of it lately anyways, though I will splurge on root beer. And I use Sierra Mist for my virgin mimosa's but my Nan said Sierra Mist is okay to have since I use so little of it.

Candy won't be a problem since my Nan buys the most nasty candy around, let's hoe that doesn't change! Ice cream is no problem at all because I very rarely eat it. Dark chocolate however, will be a challenge. :( Cereal will be hard as well since I love it, especially Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, which is weird since I hate peanut butter with a passion.

Imagine me sighing right now. And then imagine me punching walls everyday without Dark Chocolate. Although I've read that a little Dark Chocolate everyday, but not too much, it actually beneficial for you so I might be covered there. :)

My Nan is going on a diet with me though, so it might help. She's a sweets freak too so who knows? For me it's salads, Lean Cuisine meals, fruits, juices and walking up and down the stairs 10 times fast each morning, afternoon and night. Oh and LOTS of water.

If any of you have any tips on losing weight, tell me. I will greatly appreciate it.

Oh and since I'm on the subject of changes, bodily, that is. I should tell you that I got a new acne kit. Well my Nan got it for me. I've had bad acne since the 7th grade and it's just getting worse. I was going to order Proactive but my Nan went into the mall and found an actual Avon store, how cool is that? Well we saw an acne system and the store had a deal. Buy one whole kit for $34.00 and get a travel kit, free. So since the travel kit is smaller, I'm trying that and will see if it works in a week, as guaranteed and if not we'll take it back and get Nan's money back. If it works-FINALLY!

So that's my list of bodily changes, let's hope they both become changed soon.

I've Found You....I've Lost You

I've said before that I'm not ready to tell the story of my Dad, but this is for him. This is the mist of what I feel right now. This is for you Daddy.

Reaching for the sky, as I'm falling on the ground.

Determined not to hit the dirt.

I've held it all in so well.

But as I descend I rush out with doubt.

I'm not sure if I can win, not sure if I'll lose

This emotion controls me

As I fall I begin to cry.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I lost you in the same year.

I found you, I love you.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm losing myself too.

Hitting the dirt, crying on the ground.

Lost in fury, lost in grief.

I can't find you, can't find myself.

My hearts in shreds, lost in dread.

I can not understand why life has tricked me so.

As soon as you're here you're gone

I cry, I'm torn.

I scream, not heard.

I want to fight like hell.

I want to curse at the world.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I love you!

I found you, I lost you in a year.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm slowly losing myself too.

Hurting

Crying

Screaming

Bleeding

Can't find myself anymore

As soon as we were found we got lost

In the cruelty of the world, in life

You left me

You took my heart and killed it

I never got to say hi

I didn't want to say goodbye

But I've got my memory

And maybe that's all I need for now

Till we meet again

Know that I love you always, Daddy.