Stress and a Birthday In Vegas

So, you know how life just gets in the way? Yeah, it's exactly what's been preventing me from posting here. I've barely had time to get on the computer until about two weeks ago. So I have some legal issues that I can't talk about really, but they are seriously stressing me out. I'm getting little gray hairs (NOT a joke) and it's pissing me off and I randomly cry. Which makes me furious because I'm not a crier!

Let's just saw, I'm unemployed, don't get unemployment benefits and have essentially no money.

I'm no longer going to physical therapy (not my choice) so I'm still not completely healed and I still hurt like crazy. It's not as bad as it was but I can't lift, push or pull more than 15 pounds. And to think I used to be able to lift 60 pounds with no problem!

Ebay isn't really helping too much. I get enough to pay small bills but that's it.

Anyways, until I'm no longer completely stressed out, which will hopefully will be in two weeks because in a week my mom and my aunt are treating me to a Vegas Birthday Bash. I turn 21 in one week. And they're taking me to Vegas on my birthday, cool right?

Hopefully it'll help me relax. No gambling, unless I get birthday money but I doubt that. But I get drinks and I love the city and pool-hopping will be fun! And the architecture  oh God I could drool! And maybe I'll see someone famous again, that would make my year!

Oh, yeah as for the "again" part, I met Peter Facinelli in April this year, but here in Arizona =) He's the guy who plays Dr. Carlisle Cullen in the Twilight series, and Dr. Cooper in Nurse Jackie. He's was very down-to-earth and gracious. And he follows me on Twitter, which is just plain awesome of him. But that's a story for another post.

I'll do my best to update in two weeks.

XOXO!

How A Website Changed My Life & Why 13 is My Lucky Number and Day

Four years ago on February, Friday the 13th, 2009 I went with my friend and his mom to go see the new Friday the 13th movie....Go figure right? After the movie, which was awesome by the way, we went back to his house and I asked to use his computer to check my e-mail since I didn't have internet at home. He said yes and I went online to my e-mail account and the first two things I saw were from a site called Reunion.com (now called Mylife.com) , a site which I created a membership to when I was 13; I was 16 by this time. The e-mail's said "Charles Ellis has sent you a message." I quickly went to my account and logged in and sure enough there were two messages from someone by that name.

I read the first one and it basically said hello, he told me his name, where he lived and then said he was looking for his daughter who had the same name and description as my profile stated. I didn't respond to that because I wanted to read the second one before I replied. The second one basically said the same as the first message but he added that he'd really like to talk with me to see if I was his long lost daughter, because he honestly felt that I was.

I automatically replied by asking all sorts of questions that only he and my mom would know, such as how they met, what my birthday was, my middle name, why my mom and him never saw each other again, etc. After I sent the message my friend, who was sitting by me the whole time, said I should go to his profile. So I did.

I cried for the first time in 3 years because his profile's main feature consisted of two photos. One of him and his wife, and the second was my reason for crying. It was the same picture that I had on my nightstand of me at age 3. I cried for about ten minutes straigh before I got another message. It was from him and I read it...He answered every single question correctly. I replied back saying that I was his Amber, I was his daughter, that he, the man I'd been looking for since I was 13, was my dad.

He sent me a message with his phone number and his e-mail address and I e-mailed him first, nervous over hearing his voice. And I hadn't even told my mom yet so I wanted her to know, but she was at work. In the meantime, we exchanged several e-mails that day. I told my mom when she got home and she said she wanted to talk to him first before I did, to clear some more personal details up- that I won't be putting up on here.

They talked for awhile and then she came into my room, smiling, and held my phone out to me. I got to hear the sound of my dad's voice for the first time...We'd met when I was 3 years old but I couldn't remember those early memories so that was technically the first time I heard his voice.

I found out that I had a brother and an aunt and four cousins. I also found out that my grand-parents died a few years prior....It makes me want to cry every time I think about them because I've never met them and I never will...But I also found out that, like my mom, his birthday was the 13th of December, but my mom's is in January. Weird, eh? So many 13's!

We talked everyday, on the phone and through texts and e-mails. At that time I had dropped out of school because I hated the high school the tiny town I lived in had. I was studying for my GED and I remember my dad always telling me he knew I could pass it and that I was going to be able to do anything that I wanted. He knew I wanted to be a author and an FBI Agent to be a "Profiler" but he also knew that I really wanted to be an actress and act in TV shows and movies. I wanted to be able to portray human behaviors that were unlike my own behaviors and traits and capture people in the story.

Unfortunately he lived in Washington state and I lived in Arizona. But we planned on going to Disneyland, my mom, my brothers, him and myself, that is. And to the San Diego Zoo, Universal Studios and all sorts of other places. We planned so much!

But on October 26th 2009 my mom got a call from my aunt Maryann. My mom told me it was her before she answered and I watched my mom's face as she was listening. Before she even answered the phone I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my gut. You know that gut-wrenching feeling that makes it hard to breathe so you just stop breathing for awhile? That was what I felt as soon as my mom told me it was Maryann...And I hadn't heard from my dad that day...After my mom answered she didn't talk she just listened and her face changed from curiosity to devastation and I knew. I knew.

I sat on the couch just watching her face, tears in my eyes that wouldn't drop yet. And when my mom hung up and walked to the couch and knelt in front of me and took my hand she said, "I'm so sorry Amber. Your dad passed away. I'm so sorry."

Broken. That was..is...the only word to define what I was in that moment. The tears fell and flowed and they didn't stop. My eyes burned, my head pounded, my throat was tight and dry and it felt like I couldn't breathe. I remember my mom holding me and I felt her own tears on my shoulder. It felt like I had the whole world's supply of tears and that the dam holding them away had broken.

I remember calling my best friend and sobbing out to her that my dad was dead. I remember rocking back and forth and trying to talk to her and not being able to because it felt like I had this huge baseball in my throat that clogged my airways.

I don't remember hanging the phone up or how or when my hysteria ended. But I remember hearing my mom saying that my aunt was flying to Washington the next day and said that she'd fly to Arizona first, if I wanted to fly to Washington with her. I still couldn't talk so I just nodded my head yes, even though it was pounding like my heart was in my skull instead of my chest.

We'd never met in person, my dad and I. We only knew each other through calls and texts and e-mails in eight months. But going to Washington helped me to know him more because I was surrounded by the people that got to be with him daily. And I was envious of course. I had a hard time being in his house, surrounded by all his things. I remember seeing that same picture of me on his wall. That meant so much to me because his wife, evil witch that she was, said that no matter where they moved to it was one of the first things to go up.

She let me have his two favorite shirts, his long sleeve Metallica shirt that he had worn the most and a short sleeved Ozzy Osborne shirt that he loved. I wear them both all the time. I got all his knives and daggers because we both had discovered that we loved swords, knives and daggers, and dragons...I'm going to get a tattoo on my back, in between my shoulder blades of a sword down my spine, with one dragon wrapped around it, with its head laying on the hilt of the sword, and another dragon wrapped around the sword, upside down, a claw grabbing the the blade. I'm still working out the color details, but they will be medieval dragons.

I have to save a lot of money for it though as it'll have a lot of detailed work.

Anyways, 13 is and always will be my lucky number and day. I always look forward to Friday the 13th when happiness and sadness...It was always a joke with my dad and I about how we found each other on that day. Any time it's the 13th I have a good day because I know my dad would want me to laugh about it and still love it as much as we both did when he was alive.

As for that website, Reunion.com (Mylife.com)....I wish I could say thank you to whoever invented it. It changed my life forever, and I will always be grateful for the time my dad and I did get.

But that's my story about how a website changed my life and behind why 13 is my lucky number and day. At least, most of the story. Wink.

So for those of you looking for someone, or trying to reach a goal or dream....Never give up. I looked for three years and finally reached my dream of finding my dad and getting to know him. No goal is unreachable, and I believe no dream is unreachable either.

eBay Might Save Me

So, I'm finding this writing one or two posts a week thing hard to do. Because right now, I don't have a life to really write about. I mean, I could write about all my damn troubles and problems, but why does anyone want to read about that? 

But I'm trying to sell stuff on eBay, and so far I've sold four things within one week and I'm pretty damn psyched about it because I have a lot of stuff to sell and being an injured worker, getting one paycheck once a month, having a ton of bills, my mom still out of a job- eBay could be a lifesaver. My mom has a friend who does nothing but sells stuff on eBay and she uses that money she gets to pay her mortgage and all other bills. It's insane. So I'm really looking forward into getting into this more. Though it's a lot of work but I think it'll be worth it.

I'm going to start learning Spanish next week. I'm going to start a new exercise program next week as well. And I'm looking at apartments in Florida and have found a few my mom and I are really interested in.

That's my life at this point. So far. Hopefully some good news will come for my mom and I. 

~Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Enthusing but Silly Happenings

I've finally got my laptop! I'm totally excited, now I just have to wait for this guy to call me back so I can ask him to get Microsoft Office on my computer, cause he only charges $75 for the whole package, instead of the usual $150 that you'd have to pay.

Bad news, I've been denied more physical therapy sessions by workman's compensation because "there is not any medical reason for the continued use of physical therapy, " which is utter bull****. I still can't lift over 10 pounds of my head, I can't regularly lift up over 12 pounds. In order to go back to work I have to lift at least 35 pounds! But my physical therapist is going to appeal the decision and I see my doctor on the 6th so he can send a statement to them saying I still need to go to physical therapy. 

I have also done such a silly thing. I wrote to Matthew Gray Gubler. But I haven't sent the letter yet...It feels like such a silly thing to do. I'm not quite sure why. But then again, when I wrote it I got the feeling I get when I write a new blog post. That feeling that I'm talking to someone completely unbiased. It's a sensational feeling, really. Anyways, I'm still debating actually sending it. 

I'm also getting all A's in my classes right now so I'm a "happy camper" now. I'm taking Criminology, Practical Creative Thinking and Information, Protection and Computer Security right now. And in 4 weeks two those classes end and then I start Forensic Science. Which I'm incredibly enthused about. I just wish there were theatre classes at the college here. Maybe I could find some acting classes with an company instructor or something. 

Anyways, just wanted to keep true to my word and update at least once a week. When I have something better to write I'll post again!

~He who opens a school door, closes a prison. ~Victor Hugo

A Busy but Lucky New Year

I'm getting my own laptop. I'm so excited that I won't have to use this moldy ole' desktop I'm on. Got a Lenovo with 8GB of RAM and 1TB of Hard drive so I have plenty of room for my music, pictures and documents now. Windows 8, which will be a little difficult but fun to adapt to and the latest Intel iCore processor ..i7 I believe. 

But the reason I'm so, so so, so, so, very much enthused about getting my own laptop is that I will FINALLY be able to start writing my book "Why Midnight?"  without having to worry about my mom complaining that I'm using her laptop so much. I have so much I want to do with my story I don't know if it'll be just one book yet. 

Also, I'm going to learn Spanish, then Italian, then French, then Latin, then Greek, then Gaelic, then German, then....well you get it. I love languages, it's so incredible to me how many different ways of communication there are that we all too often do not subject ourselves to. It'll take time but I'm hoping to learn maybe 15 different languages. I'm even thinking about sign language. 

Also, I'm going on a diet, starting tomorrow. My mom bought an X-box 360 with Kinect with her financial aid money and we got a few different games. Michael Jackson Experience, Harry Potter, Kinect Training, Disneyland, Pixar Rush, and I have a few more on the way too. I just can't remember the specific names right now but they are all kinect games that involve exercise, except the Glee game. I'm just excited to get back into shape and start feeling good about myself.

So, I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I got injured at my job. My neck and shoulders are messed up all to hell and have been for three months now, going on four. I haven't been to work since October 21st of last year. It's bugging me that it's taking me so long to recover because I really just want to get back to work right now. But I'm starting to be able to lift up to 10 pounds and that's awesome because I started with 2 pounds in physical therapy. 

Once I'm back at work, probably part-time because of freaking Obama and his "Obamacare." Work has to provide us with health insurance when we are at full-time so therefore to save money the guy who owns the gas station I work at will probably be pulling us at part-time and I'll have to get a second part-time job here in the middle of NoWhere, USA. So I'll be an even busier woman then. 

Oh, I went to Florida twice last year, once in June as a graduation present (finally graduated high school, at age 20) and fell in love with the area so my mom, little brother and I went in early October and my mom fell in love too so we are going to try and move their by the end of this year.

Also, it's 2013. Obviously. But 13 is my lucky number. It's my mom and dad's birthday date, the day I fund my dad online, the age that my life changed for good and bad and gosh...such a list. But nonetheless it is my lucky number so I believe I'm going to have a fantastic year. And a very lucky 21st birthday in Vegas! =D

I end here, as sitting on a stool is killing my back and shoulders and neck. And my physical therapist told me to try not to sit too long or stand too long. So until next time I leave with one of my favorite quotes by one of my favorite literary figures...


"The world is a great ocean, upon which we encounter more tempestuous storms than calms." - Edgar Allen Poe

20 Reasons Why I Love Twitter

Yes, you read that title right. I'm going there. And if you're brave, you'll read this list I've prepared for my lovely readers. For clarification, these are not in order of favorites or reasons, they are utterly random.

1) It gives me the chance to talk to anyone that is not in my family. As harsh as that may be, Facebook is for family, twitter is for friends, random awesome people, and celebrities; whereas Facebook is just for family and friends.There's just some thing you don't want to have your family to know and comment on.

2) I get to know things that people NOT on Twitter usually do not know. Like about the history of the computer. I can't tell name how many times I've learned something new from someone I don't even know, from across the world...slight exaggeration but the east coast feels like worlds away to me.

3) I get the daily news from other countries that I've never been to but seriously would love to visit.

4) I've gotten to know quite a few amazing people who happen to speak English and those people are in other countries, so I love that.

5) It's a challenge for me to say what I want to say in 140 characters. And I love challenges when it comes to writing...well and sometimes life but I'd rather the challenges not be blown up in my face all at once, like right now.

6) There's this awesome account under @olv that tweets about where a lot of my favorite shows are being filmed so that maybe if I'm near by I can catch a glace at how the TV show shooting thing works, as that's one thing I would love to do (being on a show I mean.) Alas, nothing in Arizona yet.

7) The above brings me to celebrities- bands, artists, actors, actresses, athletes, authors, producers etc. I will tweet to them in response of some of their tweets and I do it quite frequently. No, I don't expect them to reply, because obviously there's too many mentions for them to reply to everyone. (Note- That doesn't mean I don't get excited when someone does respond, or favorites one of my tweets to them....Like @Gabriel_Mann favorited one of my tweets to him, asking him to tell my mom a happy birthday because she loves him and the show...which so do I.)

8) The above got me thinking about one of the most wonderful people I've encountered on Twitter. She's funny, sweet, kind, honest and dear Lordy so many other adjectives. It's the lovely, amazing @Alyssa_Milano who has been graciously following me back for quite a while. It's not just because she's a celebrity that makes me love Twitter and her, it's her tweets as well because she tweets about various things. Her life, sports, quotes that inspire, charities she wants people to be aware of, her beautiful son, and she actually tries to respond to her followers as well. And she often retweets!

9) Twitter gave me a friend who understands my hardships and shares with me hers. She's a wonderful person who I feel I can be honest with and I adore her. She's the reason I'm continuing my blog and trying to make at least two posts a week. I only know of her as Svetlana, but she is dear to my heart.

10) I. Learn. A. LOT! From a lot of different people on various subjects and if that's not the coolest thing than I don't know what is...well besides the technology we have today.

11) Twitter is another form of a blog. Really, it is. It's just short sentences that we update on our own time in our emotional frame of mind. There's a psychology on Twitter and its Tweeters, that's how complex and diversified it is. But in all seriousness that I can produce at the moment, Twitter is a blog that allows us to update who ever wants to know about what we are doing, how we are feeling, what our interests are, what our dislikes are, what our political views are, what our worldly views are...etc. It's just that we are forced to keep it in sentences instead of long posts of paragraphs and lists. (Like this!)

12) There are no game invites. One of the biggest reasons I hate Facebook is because of all the freaking game invites. And really, if I haven't accepted the hundreds of invites by now, why keep sending me them? Like really. Thank you to the creators of Twitter that allow me to speak my peace...in non-game invite peace.

13) This is my favorite and lucky number. So I'm just going to add, in a subject that is not Twitter, that I will be 21 on May 21st and be in Vegas in 2013! So I'm going to be lucky in Vegas and it's going to be a lucky year for me...I'm going to keep that in mind everyday so I don't have posts like the last one. But I'll give another reason on why I love Twitter...his name is Matthew Gray Gubler @GUBLERNATION and he plays in Criminal Minds as Dr. Spender Reid. I adore him in that show and from what I can tell from his tweets, he's a fun-loving, sweet, silly, handsome thing of a man.

14) Back on subject, Twitter is fun. You have all those trending topics you can talk about and it gains you new friends you didn't realize you could ever have. Personally, I like to talk about the shows I watch with hashtags on them because I'm gaining friends who love what I do.

15) You can tweet all day long and there's never an annoyed person. On Facebook, if you post things all day, they delete you or are at the very least annoyed by your posts. With Twitter, that doesn't happen. And if it does it's rare, because I tweet like mad sometimes and people don't tell me I'm annoying.

16) Not only am I introduced to new information but I'm introduced to new products, different and new music, odd, quirky pictures, beautiful designs and pictures...etc. Which is so fantastic because it's like my Twitter feed is a mall.

17) I can follow and be followed by companies that I can refer back to if I need to and spread the word to my friends about different companies based on their needs. It's really cool to say to your friend, "Hey I know your back is in some serious damage but I know a doctor that works in a company not far from here that can really help you." Kind of makes me the go-to person with my co-workers and family.

18) You can share anything you desire, and rarely does anyone comment on how sexual, stupid, gross, odd, disturbing, inappropriate, silly, selfish, unimportant etc., that what you shared is. Again I'm ragging on Facebook.

19) I can ask for advice on technology I'm thinking about buying and not only do I get it and a lot of it, but I get it free. It's awesome and saves time and money.

20) Twitter changes in new, better ways that suit most of the users of the social media site. It's exciting to find a new way to do something or say something or find out something and Twitter gives its users that.

So there are my reasons for loving Twitter, and I'm sure there will always be more to come my way. There's always a surprise when it comes to life, science, people, technology, and Twitter. Again, another reason!

How To Get Out of My Carefully Constructed Cage

I'm back...who knows for how long. This time I'm posting because I'm in a...well for lack of a better stereotype and word...emo mood. I've thought about a lot within the last few months and I've never let it out. It's like it's all on repeat in my read, like thoughts embedded within my mind that I can't erase no matter how many times I try to act like I'm okay. It's so sad that I can act like a happy girl around my family and be so incredibly good at it, that it completely surpasses my whole families radar. Especially my mom's since she knows me so well.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Except I'm Amber in EverLost-Land. I feel like I fell into this big, black hole expect it's all in my mind and I can't escape by defeating the Red Queen of Hearts. I don't think I've ever used a Disney analogy before. I could definitely make a Peter Pan analogy but it would be a dark, dismal, sad one and I like Peter Pan too much to do that right now.

Lost. That's such a word to describe my state of mind right now. Mess, too. I'm a lost mess. I used to love school, loved to learn and in a way I still do. I'm taking community college classes online full-time right now. And I hate it. I like the prospect of learning what I'm taking, but I'd rather just read the textbooks then take the class. And I always loved my grade school/high school teachers. I'm taking Criminology, Into to Global Security and Information, Computer and Security. They are all eight weeks long and then I start Forensic Science. All these classes are what I've looked forward to since I was 13 and decided to give up on my dream of becoming an actress and go with the reality of becoming a Special Agent in the FBI and working my way into the Behavioral Science Unit.

I love analyzing people and picking apart the way their minds work and why they do what they do, say what the say, think what they think. I gained that interest and love from watching movies and television. When I first saw Pirates of the Caribbean I was enraptured with the way the actors and actresses could make me smile, laugh and cry; how they could make me feel happy, sad, betrayed, scared, confused, excited and adventurous. I wanted to be able to do that for people too. I wanted to be able to give people an outlet from reality and fall in love with another world of fantastical, motivating, wonderful plots and stories. I still do...and I don't know what to do with the struggle of dreaming to be an actress and writer and learning to be in law enforcement. Both careers are all about human behavior, but instead of portraying it like I dream to, I have to settle for perusing certain (criminal) behaviors.

When you live in a little town in Arizona (a place of no opportunities) it's nearly impossible to become anything other than what I am now...A gas station clerk..no no, an injured gas station clerk, that's just going to a community college that are a dime a dozen. I'd love to live in California or Florida where I could get out of the small town life. I don't have natural motivation and I'm so reserved that it's difficult to get out of the carefully constructed cage I've tricked myself into.

Like I said...I'm a lost mess and I don't know how to dig myself out. I hate the self-pitying and self-destructive and self-hatred I've locked myself into. If only, I just knew how to start unlocking myself from it all.