Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.
About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.
I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?
I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.
If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."
If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.
Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.
Loner.
I'm a loner.
I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.
For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.
Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.
Loneliness.
I'm lonely.
I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.
Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.
I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.
I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.
I don't understand.
So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.
And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.
this is so stupid, i totally understand you.
ReplyDeletei`ve lived (almost my whole life) in germany.
i have alot of friends there.
but then i met luca and i moved to him to switzerland.
ever since i moved here i felt alone.
i still feel alone.
i don`t see my friends in germany often.
i see them once in a month or every 2 / 3 months.
this is annoying me.
i don`t have a drivers licence and i never will cause i`m way to afraid to drive a car.
i sit here alone every single day.
and i`m so looking foward to 7 pm cause that`s when luca finally gets home from work.
of course i have made a couple of new friends here, but i don`t see them without luca.
they`re more his friends then mine.
i wonder how long i`m gonna take this.
sometimes i don`t even wanna go out of bed cause i know when i get up i`m gonna be alone.
no one`s gonna be there.
i can`t call my friends anymore to say: `hi, come over, lets hang out`.
ok, i`m gonna stop now before i totally break down.
you know, you`re the only person i haven`t met personally, but i still talk open about my problems to you.
greets, sveta
Hi this is zameerabbasGB of twitter. Your post reminds me about my school days.I was a social phobic, shy to the core , confused and many times "self-talker". Though i was getting good grades , i was building a mess inside me all the time.I was suspecious of all persons who offered me friendship and my friends always seemed to make fun of me or so it seemed. With good marks i went to college. The trend continued. I was taking help from Self-Help books especially those written by Dale Carnegie. But they always had a temporary effect on my psyche. Before long, i would revert to my old habits characterized by social fear , being someone else , trying to hide my true self...etc
ReplyDeleteThen came university. Things got worse. In college and school i was at home and felt some comfort. But now i was all on my own. It almost wrecked my nerves. I felt like a pariah in the new environs. My roomate sucked me , classfellows sucked me, canteen persons sucked me, the hostel warden sucked me...everyone seemed to be after me. All the while , i was reading self help books but inside a fire was smouldring. I couldn't leave it and i couldn't seem to continue it.Somehow or the other i graduated from university in 2006. Then for the fear of not being able to find a good job , i took admission in masters. I continued but failed and wasted the money that was sent to me from home as fee. Then came the turning point of my life!! I appeared in the Civil Service Competitive Exam. Passed it. Got a job as Assistant Commissioner. This job has compensated to all my personal deficiencies. I feel confident now just because i have a good job.
For you i would suggest this happens to all of us. Just stick to some single thing and doggedly follow it.I empathize with you and your post reminded me of my past.....
Regards....Zameer