The Ghost In My Past That Changed Me

 

I'm scared.

My heart is pounding. It's pounding so hard, so fast.

It's not because of anger, happiness, love. It's made of fear and relief. An odd combination, is it not?

I've only felt this three other times, over the same thing. And once more after that. And this time I'm not sure to be relieved altogether, or scared out of my mind. I'm not scared for myself. It's a fear for my Mother and little brother.

I found out a secret that changed a part of myself 7 years ago. I found out that the man I called my father was not my biological father at all. My mother told me about my Dad, Charles Ellis. And I immediately tried to find him...That' another story for another time though.

When I was 13 the man my Mother was married do did something to me that still haunts me. That still brings fear into my heart every time I see him, hear him, think of him.

Almost 5 years ago, my stepfather sexually abused me.

I was almost 14 the first time it happened. I'd gone to bed, but couldn't sleep. He came into my bedroom, called out my name to see if I was awake. I was but I didn't answer. Ealier that night he had snuck up behind me and scared me. I wanted to do the same.

I thought he was going to walk out of my room after he called my name out. I was planing to get out slowly and silently wand walk into the living room where he usually was at my bedtime in he's recliner, watching TV. The recliner always was behind my room, so I knew he wouldn't see me. I planned it so perfectly to scare the hell out of him.

This, did not happen.

He closed my door and I thought he had gone out, until I felt him sit down on my bed. SO I decided to stay quite and wait till he went out so I could get back to my plan.

But he started rubbing my legs from under my sweat pants. And it felt so good, I had restless leg syndrome. I stayed quite, and was almost asleep when I felt him go higher up my legs, and I was confused.

He touched me then. Where no man should tough, unless with permission. I definitely did not give him, nor ever would I have given him, permission. I was scared. I didn't make a sound, I could barely breath. I couldn't move, couldn't scream. I was frozen, in time, in body, in heart, in mind.

He used his fingers to take my virginity. He left soon after. He didn't rape me, just sexually abused me with his fingers.

I didn't even cry. I don't even remember when I feel asleep. I just remember waking up, going to the bathroom only to see blood where I didn't expect it to be. Then I remembered last night. I was just glad that he was already at work that morning.

I didn't tell anyone, Not even my mom. I was too scared that he was hurt my mom and brother.

A few weeks later, he did it again. Except he also used a muscle massager or something. Again, I didn't cry.

A few days after that my English class watched a movie "Speak." Kristian Stewart played in it. The next day told my best friend, she said tell someone. I went to my English teacher cause she was so kind and I was comfortable with her. I told her I had a dream of him hurting me, I told her I wanted and needed to speak with my mom. The teacher called her for me and I told her in the car while my teacher went to the principle and she called CPS.

I told my mom it was just a dream but that I was scared. She told my step dad to come home once I told her the truth. He denied it. Over and over.

CPS called us. The want to interview my mom, him and I. I saw what the strain was doing to my mom, and even my brother saw it though he didn't know. I knew that my mom would struggle if he went to jail, she didn't have a job at the time.

I told my mom I wanted to lie to CPS and leave this all be. SO we all did. We came up with a story, though I can't remember. We tried to tell the CPS lady that it was a basic misunderstanding. It worked.

I continued at school. But I had changed almost everyone saw it. I was once happy and outgoing and kind and brace and I easily spoke about my feelings. I'm not that person anymore.

He didn't do it again. My mom decided to separate from him. My mom and I moved away to another town so that we could still see my brother, since he wanted to stay with his dad, my step dad. My brother didn't know what happened and didn't want to leave his friends.

On the day that my mom and I left, my step dad did it again when my mom and brother were at storage getting some things out of there, we had just sold the house and put our stuff in a storage.

I had been assured and confident he wouldn't again since the last time was in May, and it was August 6th. I thought that the time frame meant he realized what he did wrong and wouldn't do it again. I was so wrong. He did it again, the same way. He stopped when he heard the door open.

I told my mom and she hurried us out.

I still see him because of my brother. Fear strikes me every single time I see him, think of him and hear him.

The reason I write this is because I hope it lifts some weight off my shoulder and mind.

My mom told me today that she told my soon to be ex step dad that I can't stand him, that I can't stand being near him cause he molested me, to not contact me, and that I only stand being around him for my brother's sake.

I'm scared cause I don't know how he reacted, if he'll react badly or if he reacts so badly that he hurts someone.

What happened to me is definitely not as bad as what happens to other girls and woman, I know this. But it still hurts and haunts me. And has changed me.

I'm okay with what has changed because while I am not happy or outgoing, I am cautious and analytical and no longer naive.

I don't trust people easily, my family and best friends are the ones I only trust. It now as to be earned. Not just given.

There's more around my past but this is the basics.