Tell Me Why

This is something I've just written. I think it needs a little work but I'm pleased. Tell me what you think.

Tell Me Why

Times are changing

People rearranging

What their morals used to be

Thoughts are dirty

Overly exploiting

All the things that once were private

Children are harmed

Ruined innocence

By verbal and physical abuse

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Murder ensued

Seeded from many horrid things

Cheating embraced

Caused by lust and greed

Abuse used

Meant for control and cruelty

Rape forced

Used for humiliation and control

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

Guns used to defend

Cause the people are scared

To walk upon darkened streets

Crooks get away

Cause the law is paid off

And no one listens to us

Earth is being broken

Being made into it's own dump

We have to clean up for our sake

Children are dying

Of starvation, malnutrition and disease

We have to help to survive

But we let selfishness take over

The good is forgotten

Hope begins to fade

Cause of us human's fatal mistakes

Tell me why, oh why

Do we let the evil in

Tell me why, oh why

Do we give into dreadful sins

Tell me why, oh why

Do the men harm woman

Tell me why, oh why

Woman don't protect their kids

Tell me why

You don't help make a change

Infidelity: Physical and Emotional

There's a blog that I read daily. I like his style, I like his honesty. I didn't even know who the hell he was, I'd never heard of him before but I was introduced by him by a tweet from one of my Twitter friends. And I became hooked.

Granted, I don't share some of his beliefs one certain things, people, music, places etc. But he's talented at getting his point through. His name is Shane Powers. If you'd like to read his blog here's the link http://www.shanepowers.com/

One of his resent posts got me thinking about what I believe on the subject. Cheating. Here's his thoughts on it and some interesting comment's by his readers. http://www.shanepowers.com/2010/02/cheating.html I highly recommend reading it.

I posted a comment of my own and instead of rewriting it, I'll just copy and paste for you my exact words.

"I believe that cheating shouldn't happen either way. If you want to get physical without emotion- One night stand, but not while you're already in a relationship that includes sex and emotion, not even when it's just a sexual fling with one person that will be for a short period of time.

If your in a relationship, but it's too early for sex for one parter and not the other- WAIT for the sex, don't go looking for a one night stand that'll have your head filled with your one night stand partner while you're with the person your in a relationship.

I believe being in a relationship should include it all, emotion, sex, communication, etc.

I am, by no means, traditional. I believe in getting pleasure when you can but being cautious about it, as much as you possibly can. I don't mean one night stand every night, that's just stupid and eventually you're appetite and stamina and time for sex is going to suck. It's always more pleasurable to have sex when your hot and anticipating after waiting for awhile.

If your not into commitment, don't go into a relationship with a person who is, only to emotionally abuse them- Because that is what that is. Find someone who wants a short fling as much as you do.

I could write more, but I'd rather not make a whole blog about it in a bloody comment.

Much Peace and Magic,

Amber ♥"

As you can see I wrote quite a bit on the subject already. But there is something that I did not touch on. "Emotional infidelity." I do not believe in such a thing. Maybe that's because I already don't show my emotions or express them very often in any manner. I don't believe in expressing emotions only to have them used against you, I've had that happen. And even before it happened I didn't express my emotions anyways.

If you're an emotional person and you get hurt when your romantic and/or sexual partner expressed their emotions to anyone but you- I think it's ridiculous. Now I can understand being hurt about it when your married or engaged to be married. But when it's just a fling, long relationship (up to a year), or a friendship, it's absolute rubbish to me if you get hurt.

I am not, and read this clearly, calling anyone who does get hurt when this happens, an emotional idiot with no right to get hurt. I am simply not that kind of person, so far. Everyone is different. I am simply saying that I think it's wrong to feel hurt when your not sure if your relationship is going to last. Emotion is a highly personal and intimate idea. And sharing them can leave you vulnerable and leaving yourself vulnerable to a single person is something I view as compromising and confusing.

Unless it's with someone you trust 100% which to me, is absolutely amazing. Unless it's family or a friend that you've known long enough to know you can trust them 100%. I have a couple of those kinds of friends. And still, I don't nearly express my emotions to them, as much as I probably should.

These are my opinions. I'd love to hear yours.

Simple As That

Someone told me a few days ago that I'm so confident. I mentally scoffed. The same person told me I was pretty, I told them "I'm not, but thank you."

I've looked in the mirror naked for 2 minutes. Every day. I walk away from it as fast as I could because I was so disgusted and put off and saddened by what I saw. Me. I saw me as a fat girl, with crooked teeth and an acne embraced face.

I've become self loathing.

And it kills me inside.

I think about this every night. I think about how terrible I look. And I cry. I tell no one. Not even my mom or Nan or best friends.

I understand that no one is perfect. I understand everyone has flaws. I know that the girls on TV, magazines, and the like have body flaws too and that they're just covered up better than most girls. I honestly do. I know that looks should not be everything. And I know they aren't.

So here's the "but"... I have nothing to be confident about. Not one thing. I have no talents, though some say I do. I don't have an absorbent memory. I don't have a healthy, athletic or thin body. I don't have clear skin. I don't have straight teeth. I don't have any natural beauty. Hell, I don't have any courage. I don't have anything to be confident about.

And I'm saying this to a cyber world of strangers who probably think I'm nothing but a teenage whiner on a "Woe is me" fest.

But I know I'm not. I just....I can no longer keep this inside of my, eating at me. I'm beginning to hate myself and that scares me.

I'm 180 pounds of fat.

I'm a teenage scary cat with no social life.

I'm a talentless nobody.

I'm a lost, lonely and self-loathing girl.

You tell me different and I won't believe you.

Simple as that.

Valentines Day- Romantic or Corny?

I never realized how much I dislike Valentines Day until now. I was at Walmart and I was around the Holiday Section and I counted 9 men and 2 women who were looking for last minute gifts and I thought "How utterly corny."

I honestly do not see the logic of choosing a day of the year to devote to "love" and the like. If a man or woman is going to do something romantic for their romantic partner why do it on the day that every other man and woman are going to do it? Do it on a random date that says "Hey I wanted to do something special for you, let's make this OUR day and not everybody else's day."

Why do what almost everyone expects you to do on Valentines Day? Why buy the candy and roses that say "Hey everyone else is doing the same thing today, so I thought I'd do it too!"

Now, I'm not a romantic. But just because I'm not a romantic doesn't mean I don't know romance- I know it when I see it. And Valentines Day? I'm not seeing it.

If a guy asks his girl to marry him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Loads of other guys have done it too. If a girl finally admits to her guy that she loves him on Valentines Day that is CORNY. Say it on a random day at a random moment.

Now that you've read this tell me what you think about Valentines Day. Romantic or Corny?

Animal Cruelty...Acts of Human Selfishness and Violence

Animal cruelty. Sometimes it's acknowledged, a lot of times, it is not. And for what reason? Why do humans become ignorant of the pain animals go through? There are humans who become outraged at the thought of another human murdering another human yet they themselves will slowly kill an animal through neglect and cruelty. What gives a human the right to cast cruelty on an animal merely because they can and because the animal cannot defend itself?

Hunters will get together do take down a single bear or more, gorillas, elephants, tigers....beautiful and unique SOULS! They do this to kill and sell their coats of fur, skin and the like. Dogs are put into fighting contests, are beaten, neglected, abandoned and starved....Cats are kicked, thrown, abandoned, burned and starved.

Now some will say, "Isn't putting animals in a Zoo cruel?" Here's my answer- I can understand putting an animal in a Zoo, if it has nowhere else to go and if it is suffering because of nature, or most usually, the carelessness and viciousness of humans. If it's in a Zoo for it's care- I can understand fully. But to put an animal in a cage for the sake of the often attitude of "I can and will" is downright wrong.

Below I have listed some facts from a website called dosomething.org. Anything in the parentheses are my own comments.

• In many circuses, wild and exotic animals are trained through the use of intimidation and physical abuse. Former circus employees have reported seeing animals beaten, whipped, poked with sharp objects and even burned to force them to learn their routines! (After learning this, I shall never go to a circus again.The nerve and indecency and cruelty they put them through for the entertainment of us humans is not necessary and not right! )

• Elephants who perform in circuses are often kept in chains for as long as 23 hours a day from the time they are babies. (Tell me, why? Why do animals have to suffer for the entertainment of humans? Do humans suffer for the entertainment of animals?)

• More than 15 million warm-blooded animals are used in research every year.

• Scientists estimate that 100 species go extinct every day! That's about one species every 15 minutes.

• If you live in Pennsylvania, California, Florida, Rhode Island, Illinois, Virginia, Oregon, New York, New Jersey and Vermont you have the legal right to refuse to participate in dissection in class! In Louisiana, there is a State resolution and in Massachusetts, Maine, Maryland and New Mexico, there are Departments of Education resolutions in place that allow you to refuse to dissect, although it hasn’t yet become a law.

• Dog fighting and cock-fighting are illegal in all 50 states. (And yet it still hasn't stopped. Harsher punishment needed? Or ignorance of the law?)

• It is estimated that on average it takes 1,000 dogs to maintain a mid-sized racetrack operation. New greyhounds are continually entering the system to replace greyhounds that grade-off due to injury, age or poor performance. There are currently over 30 tracks operating in the United States.

• Tens of thousands of wild and domesticated horses from the United States are cruelly slaughtered every year to be used for horsemeat in Europe and Asia. Since the last horse slaughter plants in the U.S. were closed in 2007, thousands of horses have been shipped to Canada and Mexico for slaughter. (Just because the US stopped slaughtering horses here, does NOT give them the right to ship them off to be slaughtered elsewhere. You still have a part in slaughtering them!)

• Many studies have found a link between cruelty to animals and other forms of interpersonal violence.

• Neglect and abandonment are the most common forms of companion animal abuse in the United States.

• A fur coat is pretty cool—for an animal to wear. Eighteen red foxes are killed to make one fox-fur coat, 55 minks to make a mink coat. (Us humans become outraged when we here of a serial killer, killing many for his own selfish reasons...What makes this any different?)

My heart aches for these animals subjected to the cruelty and selfishness and carelessness of the human race. My belief of what is right becomes more potent and unshaken. What is your belief of what is right? What do YOU believe in?

Three Days; A New Discovery

Three days.

Three days and I haven't tweeted. Three days and nothings changed. Three days and all I've been doing is think. Think. Think.

About everything. What I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it. What I feel, how I feel it, why I feel it. What I'm not doing, what I'm not feeling, what I'm not saying...or in this case what I'm not writing.

I've been out of school for a year and a month. I dropped out because I decided that instead of going to the crappy school that I went to I wanted to get my GED. Same basic thing as graduating, no?

I started looking into it, started looking into going into a community college. What I wanted to do, I haven't a clue. And I'm still clueless. Though I have some ideas. I like to write, so an author...if I'm good enough. Criminal Profiling interests me, so a Criminal Profiler...if I can get through it. Photography eludes me but I'd like to take classes, so maybe a Professional Photographer....if I like it and am good at it.

If. If. If. That's all that runs through my mind when I think about something. I think, "I could act, be in a play or movie....If I'm good enough, if I can remember everything." "I could write a best seller novel, something dark, mysterious and beautiful...If I detail it enough, if I can write well enough." "I could be a criminal profiler...If I can handle it, if I'm intelligent enough to understand it all."

If. That word seems to haunt me, everyday. Why? Low self-esteem, no confidence. Why? Why am I cursed with those maddening, horrible traits.

Even though I'm not confident and have a low self-esteem I am not a follower. But I'm not a leader either.

Loner.

I'm a loner.

I "hang out" with no one. I haven't "hung out" with anyone in 6 months. I last saw my two best friends in December, when I gave them their Christmas presents. But that was for two hours so it wasn't hanging out. By hanging out I mean having almost a whole day with someone that is not a relative.

For the past two months, there's been something bothering me. Everyday. Every minute. Every second. And I didn't know what it was, I didn't understand it. Why I felt so... empty, hopeless and lost.

Now I know one of probably the many things that contribute to these particular feelings.

Loneliness.

I'm lonely.

I've been lonely for a year, but I didn't know this. I didn't understand this. I still don't. For the past year I've had my mom, brothers, family and a few friends I rarely hung out with. Maybe that made it a bit easier.

Now this...feeling of loneliness is sharper, harder, and fuller.

I have my Nan now, and don't get me wrong I love being around her, I love every minute I'm with her. But I'm still lonely. This I don't understand.

I'm in a new place, for the next three months. And though I have an Uncle and two cousins, both male, I rarely see them cause they both work, both have lives. And then my Nan. Only my Nan.

I don't understand.

So I've written about the word, If, that haunts me and this new, discovered feeling of loneliness.

And I'm still clueless. I don't know what to do.

Words of Mystery

"Bits of lightening shocking my heart. Funny feelings swirling abroad. Thoughts rambled, jumbled up. Eyes never tearing at these horrid thoughts."

I find no reasons for these particular words. Words come, words go. But writing them down means they are alive forever. I've written two posts before that sing out what I feel. "Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself," and "I've Found You....I've Lost You." The first about who I am and what I feel towards myself, the second a poem, hopefully soon a song, about how I feel about my father's death.

Two subjects of which I'd thought I'd never write down. Because like I said, once the words are written, they are alive forever. I didn't want them to live and didn't want people to know. I didn't want people to know that I'm on my way to despising myself in certain areas. I didn't want people to know how angry I am about my father dieing. And yet, I've written it down.

To me, writing your thoughts down, make them final. Make them real. Alive. But thoughts can change too. So can writing them. I've gained friends, all of whom I cherish. And one thing many tell me- I've gained courage.

It's a thought that glows and wonders. Glows with pride, wonders of its accuracy. It's a thought I hope is true.

I hadn't known what I would be writing about until those words filled my head that begged to be let out their cage. I can contemplate what they mean. As can anyone who reads them. These words that just pop into my mind without a care, like magic, aren't really rare. They just are, they're just there.

As I ponder what meaning those words have to me, I ponder if anyone will contemplate it too, or even cares. "For I know I have many relatives, friends, and acquaintances; the loneliness still lingers heavily in my mind and heart. For I know that people care; I know not of the completion of heart." Another set of words that have haunted me till now. Words I think of, words I hear, words I know. Words i know are illogical but still...alive.

The thoughts of this mind are always running, like an overtime and overrun engine. The woes of the heart sometimes thought of, sometimes forgotten. The mystery of the words are sometimes known, others...only and just a mystery.

I Am Disgusted With Myself

Disgusted. That's one word I very rarely use, and I've never associated it with myself. But today....Ah today I have and am. I am disgusted with myself and very disappointed in myself.

I went to my first Doctors appointment today, just to meet my Doctor and give her my medical history. But they, of course, but you on one of those bloody weight scales that I'm sure EVERYONE hates unless it's positive numbers. My number was not, however, positive.

I weigh 184 damn pounds. And I'm outraged, disappointed and disgusted. I've never been so big before. I was 140 or so pounds in October last year and to know that I gained that much weight in 3 months is outrageous and terrible for myself.

Now I'm not saying that I look down on those who are my weight or bigger, because I don't. I just don't approve and believe that they should try to limit their food intake and try to loose some of those pounds because it's not healthy at all to be so big.

But now, it's my turn. For the past few years I've been around 140-160 pounds, on and off. Now it's 184 and I can't stand it. I feel unhealthy, unattractive and disgusting. I don't want to be 110 pounds or even 120, though I'm sure that would be awesome. 130 is ideal for my age. I'm tall so I'm sure I'd look good with that amount of weight and still have some lovely curves.

To reach said ideal weight and goal I'd have to lose 50 pounds. I can to that in 5 months. Can't I? To do this I have to cut out meat, candy, soda, ice creams (though I don't eat it anyway so no problem there,) chocolate (no problem with milk chocolate but dark chocolate I do have a problem with,) cereal, and any other foods/drinks/snacks that make you gain weight as you eat them.

I don't eat chips so I have no problem. The meat is going to be hard because I love meat on my pizza. Soda isn't a problem since I haven't been drinking much of it lately anyways, though I will splurge on root beer. And I use Sierra Mist for my virgin mimosa's but my Nan said Sierra Mist is okay to have since I use so little of it.

Candy won't be a problem since my Nan buys the most nasty candy around, let's hoe that doesn't change! Ice cream is no problem at all because I very rarely eat it. Dark chocolate however, will be a challenge. :( Cereal will be hard as well since I love it, especially Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, which is weird since I hate peanut butter with a passion.

Imagine me sighing right now. And then imagine me punching walls everyday without Dark Chocolate. Although I've read that a little Dark Chocolate everyday, but not too much, it actually beneficial for you so I might be covered there. :)

My Nan is going on a diet with me though, so it might help. She's a sweets freak too so who knows? For me it's salads, Lean Cuisine meals, fruits, juices and walking up and down the stairs 10 times fast each morning, afternoon and night. Oh and LOTS of water.

If any of you have any tips on losing weight, tell me. I will greatly appreciate it.

Oh and since I'm on the subject of changes, bodily, that is. I should tell you that I got a new acne kit. Well my Nan got it for me. I've had bad acne since the 7th grade and it's just getting worse. I was going to order Proactive but my Nan went into the mall and found an actual Avon store, how cool is that? Well we saw an acne system and the store had a deal. Buy one whole kit for $34.00 and get a travel kit, free. So since the travel kit is smaller, I'm trying that and will see if it works in a week, as guaranteed and if not we'll take it back and get Nan's money back. If it works-FINALLY!

So that's my list of bodily changes, let's hope they both become changed soon.

I've Found You....I've Lost You

I've said before that I'm not ready to tell the story of my Dad, but this is for him. This is the mist of what I feel right now. This is for you Daddy.

Reaching for the sky, as I'm falling on the ground.

Determined not to hit the dirt.

I've held it all in so well.

But as I descend I rush out with doubt.

I'm not sure if I can win, not sure if I'll lose

This emotion controls me

As I fall I begin to cry.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I lost you in the same year.

I found you, I love you.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm losing myself too.

Hitting the dirt, crying on the ground.

Lost in fury, lost in grief.

I can't find you, can't find myself.

My hearts in shreds, lost in dread.

I can not understand why life has tricked me so.

As soon as you're here you're gone

I cry, I'm torn.

I scream, not heard.

I want to fight like hell.

I want to curse at the world.

Because I've lost you now and I don't understand why

I miss you, I have my whole life.

I found you, I love you!

I found you, I lost you in a year.

I've lost you, I'm broken

I've lost you and I'm slowly losing myself too.

Hurting

Crying

Screaming

Bleeding

Can't find myself anymore

As soon as we were found we got lost

In the cruelty of the world, in life

You left me

You took my heart and killed it

I never got to say hi

I didn't want to say goodbye

But I've got my memory

And maybe that's all I need for now

Till we meet again

Know that I love you always, Daddy.

My Official Last Post of 2009 with a Requested Review

I said in my last post that I might write another post. So I am. The only problem is that, once again, I've no idea what to write about. I've written about some changes that will start in our next year. I even got emotional writing it.

Well I could write my review of "New Moon" that was requested of me or I could write about some statics I learned about New Years Eve or I could write as I eat the box of nerds I'm indulging myself with.

Or I could tell you how statistics say that on New Years Even an average of 421 people die in car accidents as I eat these nerds and write and tell you that I thought New Moon, the movie, was better than New Moon the book. Or I could do it the other way, switching around the subjects a few times but I think you get the picture.

Oh I've got a question for everyone? Why do people make such a big bloody deal about vampires that sparkle and werewolves that have hot human abs? Err, I mean werewolves that grow exceptionally fast? I mean seriously, the Twilight Saga is not a big deal at all. Okay so there's vampires and werewolves in the movie, but Underworld and Van Helsing and Dracula have those and they have a MUCH BETTER story to it. And the characters are more evolved and detailed than Meyer's characters.

I'm not hating on the Saga, like I said in my Twilight review. I'm simply stating the facts. Here's what New Moon has as pros:

• Robert Pattinson, who I have to admit, is handsome in his charming, ruffled way and he's not too bad of an actor. I'd like to see him do more interesting and complex movies that have a dynamic character in which he has to work hard at portraying such a character and in such a complicated and better written movie. Because I personally think he could rock at it. But we'll have to see. I believe he has a new movie coming out soon. I'll have to see it and review.

• Taylor Lautner, who is a wonderful actor of his age, and he's really, I can't believe I'm going to say this juvenile word- Hot! Other than his hot muscles (thank goodness I'm still 17 and can say that without sounding like a pervball) he's quite the actor, hell I loved him in "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl" because he played his character to the T. (Whatever the "t" means cause I haven't a bloody clue.) I'd like to see how he'd do in a movie where he had to play a man with multiple personalities. That would be a challenge.

• Kristen Stewart, I think a lot of the guys go just to see her because she is pretty but her acting does need some work. I wasn't too impressed, hopefully the movies she's in will be better for her. I'd like to see her in an action packed movie that gave her a lot of challenge and punch. Maybe if she portrayed a character that seemed to have more emotions than just love, sadness and fear then maybe she could truly prevail.

• The Cullen Clan- The actors in the Cullen Clan were portrayed wonderfully. Alice, Rosalie, Esme, Jasper, Emmett, and Carlisle. Otherwise known as – Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed, Elizabeth Reaser, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, and Peter Facinelli. They were absolutely, without a doubt wonderful. I especially liked Jackson's performance because it's hard playing a guy who looks like he's in pain and walks like he has a stick up no where fun. And Ashley….whew, her portrayal of Alice was perrrrfect.

• The New Bad Clan- The Volturi. I like this twist, it's the only good one I believe was made in both movies. Twilight's bad guys were just "bad guys" they had no real power over seven good vampires. But the Voluri had power, all over Italy and even over other vampires in other parts of the world. So Meyer did right by them, as did the movie.

• The Audience of Young Girls. I know a few young girls and immature teenage girls and know what they what and see. An immortal guy who falls deeply in love with a girl who is just herself. A dream guy for a lot of girls. And also, a buff softie at heart who's loved a girl since they made mud pies….Without those girls, this movie would probably not have made as much as it did.

• The "Other Worldly" with feelings- Girls seem to love the whole "They're supposed to be bad but are good and fall in love anyways" persona of the supernatural. And what's not to like? A good, handsome, blood sucking immortal who wants a girl intensely. A hot guy with fur who loves a girl with the depths of his werewolf heart. I mean, come on, I've heard better stories that haven't gotten quite the attention that the Twilight Saga has. Yes, Underworld and Van Helsing being two of them. And both have romance and the supernatural and MORE.

That pretty much sums it up. The last bullet paragraph was more sarcastic on my part but hey, it's true…I could go on and on but the Twilight Saga doesn't warrant that kind of time and my fingers really are sore, as is my shoulder.

My point is this- The Twilight Saga is a good chick flick to watch as well as a whimsical movie to relax with. But it's not as big of a deal as it apparently is to some people. Want a list of "Big Deal" movies? Here- The Dark Knight, Angels and Demons, Public Enemies, Transformers 1 & 2, Taken, Push, Knowing, Lakeview Terrance….Those are just the few I've seen. There are a lot more I need to catch up on.

But I like watching the Twilight Saga, or the only two movies out so far because it's mindless good fun and it's a good movie to sit down and relax with as you eat yummy fattening candy. That's my opinion…..What's yours?

Keep A Weather Eye On The Horizon

My last post of 2009. And I came to my keyboard knowing what I wanted to write about. Change. The word and idea that some dread and that some love. For me, it's a bit of both. My reality of change is going to be big, for me. Some people might be like- "Oh that's not such a bad change," or "Some people have bigger changes, yours is just a little one compared to other changes." Well no matter what people think. 2010 might prove to test me. So here it is...

If you've read my other posts you know that I'm seventeen and currently living with my Mom and all that stuff that I already said before that I won't say again because I don't need to. (And if you're absolutely clueless read my other posts to get the clue.) Well, on January 9th I'm flying out of state and will not be back for two months, three at most. I'm moving in with my Nanny, whom I refer to as Nan at times. No, she's not a hired caregiver. She's my Grandmother.

Anyways. I'm moving with her for a few months because she has insurance on me and my Mom doesn't. If you're wondering why, it's because the govern-damn them-ment says that my Mom makes too much on unemployment for Access to put me on insurance. So they won't put me on, but they put my Mom on. And I'm terribly grateful they put her on insurance because if they had put me on and not her, she'd be screwed, where as I have another alternative. My Nan.

Because I'm going to live with my Nan for awhile she can file for insurance for me, I can't remember what place she went to to file but I got approved for insurance. The reason my Mom and Nan decided to let me move with my Nan is because I need lots of work done that would take a lot more time and cost one hell of a lot of money that my Mom just doesn't have.

So this alternative will be easier for my Mom. Now, my Nan is an amazing person. She never sits down, she's always cleaning something, she always doing something, she spoils her grandchildren, speaks her mind and doesn't give a damn if someone thinks wrong of her. I absolutely adore her. Luckily, she isn't a meddling grandmother who wishes to see her whole family married.

I fly out to her place, in Oregon, on January 9 in the morning. I'm terribly excited to fly again seeing as I absolutely adore flying. The list of appointments I'm going to have will probably be the longest list I've seen in my seventeen years. I'm very nervous about it because I really, really, really, really, really don't like doctors and dentists. And if you doubt that I don't like them that much I can happily add more really's.

Eye appointments, blood work, regular health check-ups, maybe some scans, and the worst for me...... Dental work. Eeeeek! I'd rather have a hundred needles in my body than have some sadistic person play with needles, sharp objects and tools in my mouth. But it has to be done because I still have most of my baby teeth. Geez, I still have a cap on my tooth from when I was three years old! So a lot has to be pulled. We'll have to see what the bloody dentist says.

But I'd rather have all of that done than the one thing that my Mom keeps telling me that my Nan and Uncle are going to teach me..........Driving. I'd rather get one tooth pulled every day than to learn to drive. That's how deep my fear goes of driving. So if what my Mom says is true I might be forced to drive because I still haven't told my Mom and Nan about why I fear driving so much. And even if I did they'd probably still force me.

Changes? Yes, those indeed are some big changes. Here's another one- Being away from my Mom and other members of my family who live around me for a few months. I love my family, I'd be a madhouse without them and most likely I'd be depressed. So that's a big change for me because I've never gone so long without seeing them and being around them. Well, except when my Aunt Staci and brother Chris lived in Texas, but then again I didn't know Chris was my brother and we all weren't so close as we are now.

Being away from my Mom will be really hard for me. The longest I've been away from her is two weeks. She may not understand me and some of the things I do and say and think but I love her. She's been my support since the day I was born and the best Mom a child could ever have. Even when she doesn't have money she always tries to find a way to make me and my brother, Sammy, happy and give us a fun time. So it'll definitely be a huge- here's the C word again- Change.

But perhaps the biggest of them all...Starting a New Year without my Dad. 2009 will always be the most happiest and dreadful year of my life. Because I both found and lost my Dad in the same year. I haven't yet written a post regarding the full story with my Dad, and I won't right now and perhaps for awhile because the grief and hurt and anger is still raw. But it will always be hard and raw and challenging because there was so much we planned. And now, so much we lost.

And now I've got to stop writing about him because I'm already crying.

*Five Minutes Later*

I have to admit I needed areal quick break to gather my thoughts. And yes, I figured I'd better put put the "Five Minutes Later" because if I hadn't and read this I'd probably think it was a real quick, rude change of pace and subject.

Anyways, it'll be an interesting few months for me to be sure. Maybe I should make a New Years Resolution that I'll write more in my blog everyday. Seeing has I don't often enough. I think I'll write another tonight before it strikes midnight.

So do as my title says my friend! And have a most Happy New Year.

It's One Nation Under ALL, Not One Nation Under The Government.

Dramatized. A word that describes this week to perfection. If you follow me on Twitter and have followed my tweets then you might know the run-down of what's going on. If not, then this post is for you.

Right now I'm babysitting three kids. Two girls toddlers and a baby boy. I started yesterday and spent the night, and will again till tomorrow afternoon when the kids mom and mine get back from California.

It's a terrible, unlawful, stupid, horrid thing when you are being threatened to death and the law will do nothing about it. I say this because of what is happening to a friend of the family. My mom's best friend Leanne lives in California with her two daughters and her three room mates. Leanne couldn't afford the renting her house by herself so her co-worker, her co-workers son and sister came to live in Leanne's house to help with rent plus they had no where to go.

Unfortunately Leanne hadn't known that all her room mates were alcoholics and druggies. The son of the three is 17 and walks around the house naked with Leanne's two 11 & 13 year old daughters in the house. His mom lets him. The son has also stood by Leanne's girls beds as they were sleeping, luckily they have not been harmed in any way. And the son has also had underage girls come into he house and drinking.

Now the son's mother, Leanne's co-worker, lets him do anything he wants. And she has a few arrest warrants on her as well! And her son, sister and herself have stolen all of Leanne's dishes and a few other things and a few days ago her cell phone too when she was in the bathroom. They've locked all of it in their room and Leanne is too kind and faint hearted to go in there and get it back.

And just two nights ago Leanne's co-worker physically attached her. The cops were called but they didn't do anything because while Leanne told the truth, the co-worker denied it and said it was self-defense because Leanne attacked first, which is something Leanne would never do. The police said that they could either take them both in or not, they chose not, of course.

But after they left Leanne overheard her co-workers son say to his mom that he and his girlfriend were going to hit Leanne off with their gun........Police were called and still they didn't do anything!

The room mates have been given an eviction notice from the owners because they haven't paid their side of the rent and Leanne has to move out to because the whole rent isn't paid. Now, there is a law in California that implies that if the renter lets a guest into their place then that or those guest(s) don't ever have to leave. That's what is protecting the room mates at this point.

So my Mom and Leanne's sister Lisa (which is the mother of the kids I'm babysitting) left yesterday to drive to California and help Leanne get out of the situation by moving her and her girls out of the house and getting her stuff back.

Luckily Lisa's husband's brother lives in the same area as Leanne and is going to get some friends with him to help Leanne, Lisa and my mom move the stuff and make sure no one gets hurt or in the way. They're really big guys so I'm sure that the room mates won't get in the way of those men.

Now, why I'm telling you this is for one reason: To show you that the government doesn't care about everyone like they like to lead on. Otherwise Leanne would have been helped. She called the police twice and her other sister and her mom called the police as well. Nothing was done, nothing but a check-up at Leanne's house.

Leanne was afraid for her girls's life as well as her own, you would think after all those calls that the police would get that she was afraid an do something! But was something done? NO! It may not be the actually officers fault that they couldn't do anything but it most certainly is the governments fault!

Many things need to be changed but the government doesn't see it. They see themselves and do for themselves and not for The People Of The United States. It's One Nation Under ALL, not One Nation Under The Government.

Absolute Truth: The Lie Within Myself

Years. Months. Weeks. Days. Hours. Minutes. Seconds....They all pass by so fast sometimes. It's hard to catch up to life. And when I do, I don't ride life. I let it ride me. For weeks I've been pondering about how to write this post, and about how I would handle officially posting it. Because this blog post of mine won't be like my others. This one will not be censored by anything. It will not be about anything but myself, how I feel, what I fear, who I am....nothing but me. And if that interests you, then I'm surprised. If not, you can imagine I'm not surprised.

On Twitter I am known as Gypsyladyamber, just as I am here. On Twitter people say I am confident, funny, outgoing, and positive with a zest for life. They also think I'm older than I am apparently. Which is a a very good compliment considering a lot of people my age seems complete dunderheads. And some think I'm British. I've ignored that. I figured the mystery of not knowing my age, or what Nationality I am, would keep my followers interested because I'm already not interesting.

In order for me to be completely truthful in this post I do have to let the mystery fade and brake. So here it is. I am 17 years old, I live in America and am not British. My name is Amber and I live with my mother. My father just died in October, I only just started to know him because I only just found him in Febuary of 2009 and I didn't even get to meet him. We only got to talk by e-mails and phone. I had a step-father to the age of 14 and unfortunatly he is still in my life and I fear, will always be in my life. I have no job and I am studying for my GED that i hope to take sometime next year when I feel I'm ready. And while I consider myself to be a Gypsy I do not consider myself any of the things that my Twitter followers and Twitter friends consider me. Not even what my own family and friends consider me.

I am weak. I am a coward. I am fearful. I am a lie within myself. I try so hard to portray a confident young female who knows where she is going and knows what she wants. But I am not. But apparently I can fool people.

And I'm scared. I'm scared down to my bones because I am scared of things that it seems no one else around me is afraid of. For instance, I am afraid to drive. I'm fine in a car if someone else is driving but the idea of myself being behind the wheel and controlling it is damn frightening to me. I don't believe I'd be a good and well-rounded driver. I don't think I can handle it.

And even when someone else is driving I get these scenarios in my head of what could happen, and it's always more than one scenario. So the idea of being behind the wheel as my mind goes through those scenarios detail by agonizing and scary detail is torture and terrifying for me. I've driven my mom's old car before, three times and each time my heart varied between stopping and thumping at a speed that's probably not healthy. That was months ago. I haven't gotten behind the wheel after that, and each time my mom asks, I say no.

I had a job at K-Mart last year. I lasted 3 months and loved what I did most of the time. Maybe that's because I worked in the shoe department and that's a complete girl thing. At the time K-Mart wasn't in control of the shoe department, it was another company that just signed a lease with K-Mart to sell under their store name. So I didn't have to use a cash register, which relieved me more than you can imagine. I didn't have to do anything but organize the shoes, which trust me, wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I had to help customers find the shoe they wanted, the size and such. And I'm pretty horrible with communication but it helped that problem a bit, not that it does much good for me now cause I'm back into my old distant ways.

I lost my job on the last day of my, what they called, 3 month training. Because after 3 months you have to file 3 warnings in order to be fired, if you've been working for less than 3 months than you can get fired off the spot, no warning required. That's what happened to me. My supervisor told her boss that I wasn't fast enough with my job, that I didn't work and that she caught me with my cell phone out once. The first reason was only partially true, I had my slow days and had my fast. The second wasn't true at all because I'd forget to take my lunch until my shift was almost over already. The third reason was true because that one time was an emergency.

I almost pointed out to my supervisor that she had her cell phone out twice in front of me, once to call her daughter and tell her a song that she loved was on when we weren't on break. And the second to text someone. I didn't point it out though, I was too crushed to speak. My mother spoke for me because she too worked at K-Mart at the time.

Losing my job just made me feel like a failure, it still does because I enjoyed what I did because it was perfect for me. I hate cash registers because I know that if I use one I'll screw up the entire purchase of a customer each time and they seem to complex to figure out for me. I'm not saying I'm stupid because I know I'm not. Deep down I know I'm not. But I feel like I am sometimes because I do know that I couldn't work a cash register correctly, when thousands of people my age can. So I haven't gotten a job because I'm afraid to fail, which in turn makes me already a failure. Even I know that because it's only logical. Yet I can't find the strength to go out there and try, I can't find the courage.

I am a coward. I am a failure. I am weak. And I am scared. I'm talentless, dreamless, hopeless....I wish I could add fearless to that less list but I can not. I'm sitting here already scared because I'm finally putting these words down on my screen. I'm finally making the words that were only thoughts before official. And it scares me to my core.

I don't know where I am going, I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know where I can go with my life. It seems like such a waste, my life. But I stay for several reasons. My mother, my brothers, my family, my new found family, my friends and to endure every second of my life because I believe I should.

I probably sound whiny. Maybe I am. But I promised nothing but absolute truth in this post. And absolute truth is what my readers will get from now on. So continue to read if you like, if you want to read the ramblings and thoughts and opinions of a talentless failure that calls herself a Gypsy Lady.

"The greatest enemy of any one of our truths may be the rest of our truths." ~William James

"Truth is no Doctoresse, she takes no degrees at Paris or Oxford... but oftentimes to such an one as myself, an Idiota or common person, no great things, melancholizing in woods where waters are, quiet places by rivers, fountains, whereas the silly man expecting no such matter, thinketh only how best to delectate and refresh his mynde continually with Natura her pleasaunt scenes, woods, water-falls, or Art her statelie gardens, parks, terraces, Belvideres, on a sudden the goddesse herself Truth has appeared, with a shyning lyghte, and a sparklyng countenance, so as yee may not be able lightly to resist her." ~Charles Lamb

How To Write Your Follow Friday Tweets

I changed my mind about posting tomorrow, I still am but I'm posting this one today as well. This post is specifically about one thing that I've been meaning to write about. A trend on Twitter called Follow Friday. Now if your an old user of twitter you know what this is, but you may not know how to use it or you are looking for a new way to introduce the people you follow to your followers. If you are a Twitter newbie then this is your guide.

I LOVE Follow friday and Twitter and you should too because it a way to introduce those you follow to your followers. And you should do it in your own unique way and not the lists of users with the #FF or #FollowFriday hastag at the beginning or end of that tweet.

Now for newbies- a hashtag is this # just that and then you put whatever your subject is that you want to have as a trend at the end of this in one sentance, no spaces. Such as- #topmoviesof2009 or #followfriday or #red and these create trends that others can join into.

Some people do Follow friday tweets in their own way or the original- a tweet listed with just usernames and then on of the Follow friday hashtags, which I believe to be BORING and unimaginative, unless of course you have a little saying at the beginning like, "friends who make me smile," or "Tweeter filled with information at their finger tips."

Now for Follow friday what you do it this- You tell your followers who they should follow and WHY! I mean come on, are you really going to follow someone you don't know that's in a list like this- "#FF @blah @boring1 @tweetdledee @tweetdledum @dontfollowme @imboring @eheheheh @blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" (No these aren't real usernames. I just made them up....I hope.)

Ask yourself would I follow these people if I saw a list like that? If the answer is no, then why do it yourself if you wouldn't follow those people? If yes, read this blog two more times. The point of Follow Friday is to INDRODUCE THOSE YOU FOLLOW TO YOUR FOLLOWERS!

Below I am going to show you how I do my tweets, maybe they will give you some ideas, and yes these are real ones that I've done already.

• Follow @fjfonseca because he's inteliigent, fun and funny and a great Waver! He's a MUST follow for all. <3>
• Follow @lindsayrcg because she's incredibaly sweet and funny. Built with a heart of gold and a lovely writer. She's a complete joy! <3>
• Follow this woman because she is pure lovelines and fun. She's friendly and funny and a woman with a beautiful heart. @arbonneteam #FF
• Lovely people with a heart so big and a personality that keeps my smile strong. @mitzchi @AhhPhotography @keeperofdreams @Mithroi #FF
• Follow @michelangelo200 because he is such a friendly, lovely and fun man to be friends with here!!! <3>
• Follow my dear, lovely friend @DrJays Intelligent & Intel smart. Funny & amazing fun! Kind & sweet & filled with a big heart! <3>

See what I mean? Those are personlized tweets ABOUT those specific PEOPLE! They aren't robots you do a roll call for. There are many ways to do your Follow friday tweets, you can list down 2-4 people 5 if you can manage saying WHY they should be followed. You can put down one person in your Follow Friday tweet and explain WHY they should be followed, you can list their personliaty like I do sometimes and all sorts of things. There's a person I follow who does hilarious nonsense tweets that are just FUN! Such as:

• #FF @Gypsyladyamber cause she's the youngest circus clown to ever work for ringlings. (From the funny man named @seanelgar )

It's funny (and I promise, not true.) But it's imaginative. That tweet right there says "Follow this person, I like them enough to make fun of them and they like me enough to let them." It also says "This person is fun so follow them, why else would I put this silly rubbish down?"

Your Follow Friday tweets should be personlized in some way! In the way your comfortable with, I just hope you're not more comfortable with those lousy lists. Although these are nice too:

• 
  #FollowFriday @livinlime @MomsofAmerica @2BitViews @Gypsyladyamber @etrendzshop @JohnLusher #TwitterRoyalty~ (From the lovely lady @arbonneteam )

So please don't be boring and blah and eh by listing your Follow friday Tweets with no WHY or EXPLAINATION. Personlize. (Oh, and please do follow those I did my Follow Friday Tweets about.)

Internet Geekess on Google Wave and Useless Nonsense

Google Wave. More confusing than Twitter. I finally got an invite and snatched it up like an aligator in a swamp filled with birds. (God, that's a horrible image.) I have no bloody idea what to do with Google Wave. First of all, I can't even use it that much because I am Internetless right now. Which sucks more than you can imagine for me, an Internet Geekess. Second, if I don't have the time to figure it out, I obviously am not going to figure it out. So therefore, when I get Internet, I will have more time and will figure it out.

Those were my two points and I think they went absolutly nowhere. Oh well. I think I just had to boast a bit about me have a Wave account. Now, I said just a few seconds ago that I am an Internet Geekess. It's not because I know so much about the Internet, because believe me, I'm still learning and will hoag as much knowledge of the Intenet as I can. I love the Internet for it's compliexities and huge developments and sea full of information. I read stories on Quizilla.com even because I like to see what people come up with. I read random information. For instance, it is impossible to lick your elbow. And did you know that it took Leo Tolstoy six years to write "War & Peace". I've never read it but I do know that tidbit. Also, did you know that the first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone? Yeah just useless crap.

The Internet is just an amazing thing. Which is why I wish I had it so I could update more often. I have been negleting it though. I think tomorrow I'm going to write something else and update on my Landlords computer cause they let me us it when they are out, which is what I'm doing now. But I can't use Google wave on it cause they only have Internet Explorer and Google Wave doesn't work half as well on this as it does on Google Chrome.

Oh and at least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!........LOL! Just kidding I had to put that stupid thing in there. Comment me if you do lick though.